Parenting

How To Talk To Kids About Suicide

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Today, I received multiple messages and emails from concerned parents and teachers who know me well and are familiar with our advocacy work. Communities around us have been hit hard by youth suicide the last few years, and it’s taking a toll on everyone. Parents are scared. Teachers and administrators are stressed. The world feels extremely heavy when we want to help but feel completely unprepared to do so.

Honestly, most of us know this issue has to be met with strong communication, but how do we talk to youth about suicide? It’s such a heavy topic, and frankly, quite scary for all of us…adults and youth alike. Most of us grew up with generations of parents and grandparents who were taught to change the subject when suicide came up, so we have little experience. But now, we are hearing over and over, “What can we do to stop this? How can we help?”

Our world is starting to understand we cannot ignore the need for these hard conversations anymore. 

The answer to how we fully address mental illness and suicide is not simple, and it will take time to destroy generations of stigma, but there are ways we can help now. We start by changing the way we talk about suicide. We have to learn to separate the person from the illness – to place the blame for death where it belongs…on the illness and NOT on the person. So it’s time for a few tips from this educator, parent, advocate, and wife of a suicide survivor.

  • We have to talk to our youth about what mental illness really is…an illness. Don’t overcomplicate it. Here are the words we use…

“Mental illness is no different than any other illness. We have to choose to accept help to fight it just like we have to choose to accept help to fight cancer. Sometimes, we fight the illness and get to live many many years. Sometimes, we fight the illness but it still overtakes the body and leads to death. Sometimes, we don’t even know there’s an illness before a loved one is gone; and those times are the hardest.

Mental illness can overtake a person’s brain before others even see any signs of trouble. It tricks a person, surrounds their thoughts with darkness and negativity, and even makes them believe they are a pain to others if they ask for help. It’s not the truth, and their hearts knows that, but the illness overtakes the brain. So while we’ve heard the outdated words that someone, “killed themselves” or “committed suicide,” we know the truth is that the individual sadly died from mental illness. It’s not their fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not anyone’s fault. It’s an illness, and I’m so so sorry for the pain that comes along with losing someone.

An illness caused the death…a person did not.”
  • We have to teach that talking about our feelings and experiences is healthy. Need more words? Here you go…

“Seeing a counselor, someone who helps us understand our own thoughts, should be as common and encouraged as seeing a dentist. It’s just good practice for good health. Talking about our feelings and experiences is how to we learn to recognize signs of of illness. A person whose brain tells them to hurt themselves or others needs help to be okay. The thoughts often start off small and quick, so they are easy to ignore or brush off as no big deal. But they’re scary, and they can get worse. So we have to learn to control them before they can control us. And we do that by asking for help. Some people need medications, some don’t. Some respond really well to sunlight, exercise, and a healthy diet. Some get better and stay better by simply talking about it.

The truth is that there are lots of ways to fight mental illness…but none of them involve a person fighting it alone.“
  • We have to teach and model kindness.

“It’s hard to be kind. It’s a lot easier to roll our eyes or allow meanness than to stand up for someone. Even if we aren’t being mean ourselves, but we are allowing others around us to, we are contributing to sadness. And we don’t know what another person is living with.

Sometimes, all it takes is an unkind word for a person fighting mental illness to make that final decision to give in to the dark thoughts they’ve been secretly fighting. We really can help by choosing to be kind.“

Please, talk to your kids. Also, anyone can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline by simply dialing 988. Anyone can call the lifeline, whether you are thinking about suicide or not, to get emotional support. And there is no minimum age, so tell your kids. If they aren’t comfortable talking to you, that’s okay. Twenty-four hours a day, there is someone on the other end of the line when you dial 988. You are loved, worthy, and supported. So is he. So is she. So are they.

All our love. ~ Jeremy & Bailey Koch

Follow us on Instagram & Facebook @anchoringhopeformentalhealth

Mental Health Checks with Your Teen: “The Koch Number System”

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Lately, I’ve been sharing much of our family’s reality. In 2009, my husband was diagnosed with Depression and he has since survived five suicide attempts. This just in…in 2020, our teenage son had his first suicide attempt. I pray it’s his last as he is safe. A mental health hospitalization for our 13-year-old was the last thing we expected, but it’s exactly what we needed.

That mental health hospitalization forced our family to talk. No distractions. Just us.

It’s no secret that no teenager wants a parent to be constantly asking, “How are you feeling? Any thoughts of self-harm? Do you feel safe?” So we came up with a system…one we used with my husband when he grew tired of those annoying, and quite frankly, embarrassing, questions. We laughed and said we would even name our new method for checking mental health…enter “The Koch Number System.” I know. Super creative, right?

But it’s simple. And simple is good, especially for overwhelmed teens who are learning to be open with their feelings. The Koch (pronounced “Koh” and rhymes with “Toe.”) Number System allows teens to share their feelings in as few words as possible. And it allows advocates to take the information and do what we need to help. As advocates for mental health and suicide survivors, we would like to share our method with you.

The Koch Number System

We ask our son, “What’s your number?”

He responds with one of the following…
1 = I feel like myself. I feel good.
2 = I’m sad…a little down. But no thoughts of self-harm.
3 = I’m having bad thoughts. We need to reach out to our support system.
4 = I have a plan to harm myself. It’s time to get me help to keep me safe.

We use the number system so much that I write it in my planner to remind myself to check in with my teen and yes, my husband too.

Please do mental health checks with your teen. Please help them to know that talking is good and accepting help is strong. Too many in our world fight silent battles with mental illness. But one in three will struggle with mental health in any one year alone. One in three. You are never alone, and we are all in this together. We fight mental illness and suicide by talking…even if it makes some uncomfortable.

Speak up. Positive change never happened by keeping our society comfortable.

Please join us in advocating for mental health. Follow us on Facebook at Anchoring Hope for Mental Health: Jeremy & Bailey Koch. Check out our website and published books at www.jeremyandbailey.com.

Meltdown Methods: Steps for Supporting Emotional Regulation in Extreme Behaviors

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If you are anything like me, it can be hard to keep your cool when your child (no matter how old) is physically losing his collective mind. Growing up is hard, but throw in sensory issues or emotional regulation problems, and we don’t only get meltdowns, we get dangerous aggression. As a Special Education professional and mother to a teen with High-Functioning Autism, I have put together some information to help you.

Keep in mind that every kid is different, but I have found these methods helpful in both my professional and personal lives. From holes in the wall and doors ripped off to barstools thrown and siblings attacked, I’ve experienced it all. And I’ve found that these steps help me to keep my cool…which makes all the difference with de-escalation for my child. Try it.

Parents of extreme children have to find our own ways of de-escalating the situation…especially as our children grow. But the steps I have put together below can help any parent of any child during a meltdown. Why? Because these steps are all about supporting the Social Emotional Learning of our children…not reacting and punishing.

Keep him, and others around, safe.

Yes, this may mean you need to hold him. If you aren’t sure of safe holding methods, I recommend checking out Mandt System holds. I hold my child with his back to my chest…arms crossed in front of him (as shown below).

Staged picture used with permission from my son. With a hold like this, my child is safe…and so am I from biting, kicking, throwing the head back, etc. Notice my stance and how I am holding him. During this time, I am working on getting him to the floor while also validating his emotions (see steps below).

Get to his level.

Sit with him, hold him, lay on the floor with him, rock with him, etc. Stay at his level.

Validate.

Say phrases like…
~ “I get it.”
~ “I’m here.”
~ “I know.”
~ “Look at me. I’ve got you.”
~ “You’re safe.”

Breathe with him.

Say, “In your nose (breathe in)…out your mouth (breathe out).” Do this over and over while repeating the validating words from the previous step. He will begin to release his tension.

Staged and used with permission from my son. As your child releases tension during the validating and breathing, release your hold slightly so he realizes he has some control. The hold isn’t what de-escalates…the validation is.

Hug.

When he has de-escalated and his body has returned back to a more relaxed state, he will be exhausted. Just hold him. Repeat the words you’ve been saying, stroke his hair, kiss his head, etc. Remember that it’s likely he may not remember/process a lot of what just happened yet. If you had him in a hold, this may be when he will voluntarily turn around…depending on the child. My son always turns around and holds me in a hug while we rock, breathe, etc. He’s almost 13.

Talk later.

Wait to talk about what happened until much later…sometimes the next day. After a physical meltdown, brain activity is often equivalent/similar to what a child with Epilepsy’s brain resembles after a seizure. Body and mind are exhausted. Safety and validation are the only concerns right now.

Later is when you address what happened. From what went wrong to what went right and what worked. Talk about breathing techniques, coping strategies, and allow your child to tell you what helped or did not help. Be open to accepting that your child deserves some respect during the process of learning how to manage his own emotions.

~ Feel free to share with anyone and everyone who you feel may benefit from this information. My goal is always supporting others. I truly believe that children learning these emotional regulation skills is a huge aspect of managing mental health later in life. – Bailey Koch
~ Follow our journey on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/jeremyandbailey/. Our website is at www.jeremyandbailey.com. On social media @jeremyandbailey.

Glimpses of the Man You Are Becoming

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My son,

You make me so proud. You make me want to pull out my hair sometimes, but the vast majority of the time, you make me so proud. Today the pride turned to tears because I truly saw glimpses of the man you are becoming. I saw your future. And as a mother, that means two overwhelming emotions intertwined into one…joy and fear.

It’s hard on a momma. Watching you grow means every day you are one step closer to spreading your wings. I know you’ll never “leave” me. No matter what happens, my heart will never let you go. But these glimpses of the man you are becoming mean that one day you’ll hold another woman with strength, protection, and the gentle embrace of love your dad has displayed for you with your momma. You’ll be hers, and she will come before me. That’s life, and that’s the way it should be. But it’s still hard on a momma.

These two photos tell a very important story of this morning. The woman behind the camera, your mother, is currently recovering from a hysterectomy only five days ago. She is tender and sore, but she’s still trying to be superwoman because that’s who she is. She’s a fighter and your daddy’s “firecracker.” But she’s also weak sometimes. Sometimes she needs help. But she’s not great at asking for it. And this is where the glimpses of the man you are becoming came in.

When I woke up this morning, I was a bit sore from sitting up as much as I did yesterday. You came in and asked me how I was feeling. I told you I was hurting a bit but not too bad. I know you read my face and realized that “not too bad” really means Oh for the love of all that is pure, this hurts today. You disappeared behind the door and I assumed you were going outside to jump on the trampoline or play basketball, typical activities for you and your brother given you are only 10 and 8 years old. But I was wrong. When I emerged from my bathroom and made my way to the kitchen, I stopped in my tracks. There you sat with your brother, happily chatting while dividing the mountain of laundry into folded piles for each family member. I stood there stunned. Seeing you help is not uncommon; your dad does most of the laundry and I the dishes and you are expected to pull your weight. But we always ask for your help. We always gently, sometimes not-so-gently, remind you of your chores.

“Did your dad tell you to start folding?” I inquired.

“No. We just wanted to get a jump on it.”

This was a glimpse of the man you are becoming, and tears fell from my eyes. I’ll admit that I didn’t entirely believe you so called your dad to ask if he had mentioned the idea of helping. He hadn’t. So very proud. So very encouraged to know that we must be doing something right. You see, parenting involves a constant stream of self-doubt and fear. But today. Today I felt on track. And after the laundry was caught up, you bounced to the kitchen with your brother and tackled the dishes…again without being asked. Yet another glimpse of the man you are becoming.

Keep growing, my son. Keep learning. Continue being you, making mistakes, getting dirty, and growing bigger. And I’ll be here. I’ll be here cheering for you, teaching you, helping you, and encouraging you every step of the way. I’ll be here reminding myself of these glimpses during those times when it’s clear you are still a child. I’ll be here eagerly awaiting the next glimpse of the man you are becoming. Why? Because I couldn’t be more proud to be your momma.

All my love,

Mom

~ Bailey Koch

Follow our journey on Facebook. https://www.facebook.com/jeremyandbaileykoch/

I Sucked at Parenting Today

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Those days when you feel like an absolutely terrible mother – those days just flat out suck. We did not start today out well. I sent my boys off to school with attitudes flying everywhere…including and especially my own. Hudson is 10 and Asher is 7. Compound their ages, the fact that they are two brothers relatively close in age and almost the same size, and the fact that Hudson has ADHD and can be extremely impulsive and we get some pretty severe cases of sibling rivalry from time to time. Add in a tired and annoyed mom, and we get – well…today.
 
I’ve reproduced a shorter version of myself in Hudson. That boy and I can butt heads so badly at times, and it’s entirely because we are exactly the same person in different bodies. We both have to have the last word. We both have to be heard. We both have to understand the world by experiencing it ourselves. And we both have to feel respected without always understanding that we have to earn that respect. We both have a temper. We both have to walk away and think or we will put a foot in our mouths so deeply it’s impossible to breathe. We both over-react. We both struggle with admitting when we are wrong…until much later. We both easily become overstimulated and need space. We both crave truth and learning on our own terms. We both have a strong desire to prove ourselves. We both have a firecracker spirit. We both fight hard and love harder. We both don’t know when to quit. He’s me…only shorter and more male.
 
I maintain the first two years of being a parent are little more than survival mode. After that, we start navigating full-blown uncharted territory. We pray we are just going the right way and not making turns that will cause us to be forever lost in thorny woods. But we have a faulty compass when we rely on our own methods and when we refuse to turn around after making a wrong turn. Why? Because kids don’t come with a map or guidebook. Today, I took a wrong turn and I’m going to have to explain to my son that that’s okay. He can take wrong turns too, which he did. Neither of us handled today well. But as the parent, it’s my job to model how to respectfully handle mistakes.
So that’s what I’ll do. I’ll admit wrong. I’ll apologize. I’ll do better. But I also have to help my kid understand there are consequences for how he behaved today as well. He’ll argue and he’ll be mad…again. But this time, I won’t react. This time I’ll model behavior I want him to adopt. Don’t be like the me I was this morning, be like the me I’ll be tonight. Learn from mistakes and keep going.
I sucked at parenting today. But I’ll forgive myself and do better. My kids deserve that.

Advice For My Sons: Top Seven Things That Are Not “Okay”

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I’d like to think that I gain knowledge as I get older, that the world makes more sense, and that past mistakes change from feeling like mistakes to feeling more like missed opportunities or even lessons learned. I’m past my years of having babies as our boys are currently 10 and 7 years old. Our family feels complete, and we are truly enjoying the years of helping our boys grow and learn.

I’ve been in school for a long time, and I’m a teacher, but I’ll be the first to admit that the greatest lessons I’ve learned have not come from within in a classroom or from a textbook; they have come from experience, tears, and triumphs. My greatest lessons have come from my own lessons learned, but also from watching others.

I’ll be honest that I love social media and writing in general. Mostly, I share for the fact of knowing how easy it will be for our boys and us to reminisce about our life later. The Internet knows all, sees all, and remembers all. It’s a digital yearbook that can be used for good or for evil. By sharing both the good and the bad of our lives, I like to think that I’m helping our boys remember reality and know, when they hit bad times in their lives, that life gets better when you have a positive attitude. You can get through anything when you draw strength from Him.

It’s amazing how much trash there is on the Internet; it makes me so sad to see things that others are celebrating when in reality, they are completely selfish acts. I’m a mom and a teacher, and there are some things in life that are just not okay. I’m not afraid to stand up for what’s right, even if I’m standing alone. I once read a t-shirt that said, “No more Mr. Nice Christian.” It really hit home with me.

So after seeing much more than my eyes want to see on the Internet, I’ve decided to compile a list. My husband and I won’t be around forever and we want our boys to know what we believe is right and what isn’t. It’s most important to remember that nothing is unforgivable. Nothing. Forgiveness is real, but there are still some things that are not “okay.”

  1. Playing the victim.You make your own decisions every day. Nobody forces you to do anything. You cannot control what others do, but you can control how you react to them. You do something stupid, you deal with the consequences.
  2. Living in a constant world of negativity.How you see the world says an awful lot about you. If you are living in a constant world of negativity, see number one above. You are the reason you are miserable because you are not allowing yourself to see the good that is all around you. Miserable relationship? Work on it…hard. Frustrated with your body? Change your habits. Hate your job? Work harder to find something you love.
  3. Lying.Not everyone appreciates the truth. But when it comes down to it, you’ll be thankful you were strong enough to speak it. When you speak the truth, you build trust and respect. Someday, those who don’t want to hear the truth now will appreciate that you were not afraid to speak up.
  4. Cheating.If you are in a relationship, especially if you are in a marriage, you work your butt off to make it work. If the love is gone, you try your damndest to get it back. I’ve seen it happen. God can move mountains when you let Him. If the love is truly gone after you have given your all, then you amicably part ways. You respectfully part ways. You do not ever move on to someone else while still in a relationship with another. And if you have children, you put them first. You display what adults should behave like and you show that you can be respectful without having to agree. You can be happy for each other that love will come around again.
  5. Stealing.There are so many times when “stealing” happens and our society doesn’t even notice. You already know it’s not okay to shoplift or take items or answers that aren’t yours. But I want you to know it’s also not okay to steal time or joy. I have mistakenly done this many times, and I’ve learned my lesson. When you live in negativity (see number two above), you steal time and joy not only from yourself, but from others as well.
  6. Refusing to forgive.By refusing to forgive someone, you are hurting nobody but yourself. We all make mistakes and hurt others; you will do it many times too. Refusing to forgive leads to both points one and two above.
  7. Refusing to listen to or see Him.You gave your hearts to Jesus. Whether or not you choose to follow Him every day, you are His. He will fight for you. He does it everyday in those good voices you hear and the good things you see. You see someone in need of help and hear a voice telling you to help…listen. When something good happens, thank Him. When something bad happens, pray to Him and look around. You’ll see good if you allow yourself. See Him. Listen to Him. Be ready for some to tell you you are crazy for believing the way you do. But trust me…He’s worth it. Stand strong in your faith and He will make you stronger than you could ever imagine.

Follow our journey advocating for mental health and raising two boys on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/jeremyandbaileykoch/. Learn our whole story at http://www.jeremyandbailey.com/. 

Real Advice to My Children As You Head Back to School

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Back to school.

A few months ago, the words seemed forever away. Excitement filled the air as kids were dreaming of what fun adventures their summers would hold. Well…the time has come. Summer is coming to an end as it tends to do. School shopping has commenced and the air is now filled with a mixture of excitement and terror (depending on who you talk to of course) with the impending first day of school just around the corner.

Myself…I’m an educator. I’ve always looked forward to back to school. I love the excitement in the halls and the promise of lessons learned. I have one son who absolutely loves school…just like his momma. Hudson will be in the fourth grade this year and is extremely social. He loves being around his friends all day and having similar experiences as them. He can’t wait. And then there’s Asher. Our youngest son will be entering the first grade this year, and he’s a ball of nerves. He’ll do fine, but the initial shock and adjustment is always a bit of a challenge.

But no matter what your child’s mood is concerning the unavoidable, school is starting. Words of wisdom don’t come to me when my kids are leaving with backpacks loaded to the brim. They don’t enter my mind as we are in the car on the way to school. And they certainly don’t come as I watch my boys jump out of the car and run to eagerly pull open the door of knowledge.

What does come to me? Tears. Always tears.

I’m not one to want my babies to stay babies forever. I am truly loving every minute of them growing and establishing their own personalities, likes, and dislikes. But every year I am overcome with emotion as soon as their little bodies leave my line of sight. Why? Every year, I marvel at how proud I am becoming of my humans.

So here is my real advice to my children as you head back to school. This is what is most important to this momma:

  1. Show your Christ-filled heart in everything you do.

    This is something I’m still learning as I get older. People will know you by what you say and do, not what you say you are going to do. Do not be afraid to show your heart, the heart your momma knows, to everyone you come in contact with. Open doors for your friends and say, “Good morning!” as you all flood in. Imagine how many of these kids are just as nervous as you are. Your smile may be their comfort and hope of a great school year. Give high-fives and hugs to your friends (old, new, and future). Visit your teachers. Your smile, positivity, and excitement will be contagious.

  2. Be you. No worse and no better than them. Just you.

    Equality. It was 1954 (yes, before I was here) when segregation was finally considered illegal in public schools across our country. But watch the news today and you will see it everywhere. It’s as though our world is digressing and it’s shameful. You, no matter what color you are, what your social status is, how much money you have, or who your family is, are just you. Just be you, the you who Jesus loves the same as the person you are standing next to. Stand up for you and for others. If it’s wrong, it’s wrong.

  3. Wrong is wrong. Take a stand.

    This one requires some more explanation and is a perfect continuation from point number two. Wrong is wrong. It does not matter if you are white, black, brown, purple, blue, orange, rich, poor, somewhere in-between…wrong is wrong. You, my children, know right from wrong. I will never…NEVER…punish you for standing up for what is right. But you know what the consequences will be if you choose to make bad decisions and treat others, any others, with disrespect.

  4. Stand up for those who can’t easily stand up for themselves.

    To me, my sweethearts, this is most important. There are some people in this world who choose to take advantage of others, some who are just plain mean. Sometimes standing up for others is as simple as putting your arm around another, extending a hand, or offering to play and be a friend. Others will follow you. Be a leader, one who helps and doesn’t hurt.

  5. Encourage others.

    Someone has to win and it won’t always be you. In fact, most times it will be someone else. Learn to give a high-five to the winner and say “awesome job” to everyone else. Change the definition and help yourself and all others understand that a winner is also someone who can win and lose with grace. One day, the one who lost will win. Help everyone remember that.

  6. Be honest.

    Remember what I said about others knowing you for what you do and say, not for what you say you are going to do. It becomes all too easy to tell fibs in life. And then those fibs turn into lies, and the lies turn into deceit. Learn now to be honest and it will come easier and easier as you get older. Listen to that little voice inside of you telling you to tell the truth. Sometimes, honesty will get you in trouble; this is true and something I know all too well. But the reality is that the trouble you will be in will be far less than the trouble that a fib, lie, or deceit will cause. Just tell the truth.

  7. You make a mistake. You fix a mistake.

    Yes. Stumbles will happen. You will make bad decisions from time to time. There is a lot to be said for being able to say, “I was wrong, and I’m sorry.” There is a lot to be said for “doing your time.” You won’t always be forgiven right away by whomever you hurt, but healing will happen in time. Forgive yourself. Forgive others. If you make a mistake, you fix a mistake. You learn, you move on, and you try not to let it happen again.

  8. Believe in yourself and work hard.

    You are so smart and so capable. I truly believe nothing…NOTHING…is out of your reach if you learn to truly believe in your abilities and work hard for whatever your goal is. Success is what you make it.

  9. Be a gentleman.

    Yes, this one is specifically geared toward my sons. I understand the push toward gender equality and I fully support it, but I also am extremely old-fashioned when it comes to the role of men in society. I do believe you, my boys, need to understand the importance of growing into a man who can lovingly and faithfully lead a wife and family one day. Open doors for girls and women, tell them they look nice (not hot and not sexy), offer your jacket if someone is cold, encourage them to achieve their goals, stop negative or inappropriate talk if you hear it or are being part of it…the list goes on and on. Help females see themselves as you see them…beautiful and capable, strong and worthy.

  10. Be the good.

    We say in our house all the time that God will make all things good, and it’s so true. Gandhi said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” If we don’t understand the bad, then we must work to show others that good exists. It’s not as hard as it sounds when we remember to give the credit where it should go. God is the good. God is all things good, and He made you. Be the good.

Have a wonderful school year, my sweethearts. I will shed some tears as you jump out of our van and run to open that door for others, but they are tears of joy. They are tears of excitement at the promise of lessons learned and more opportunities to spread good. I love you so very much and am so proud to be your momma.

All my love,

Mom
***

http://www.jeremyandbailey.com/

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My Dear Children: I Don’t Like You

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Cue the confetti and the trumpets, “Mom of the Year” goes to…anybody BUT Bailey Koch.

Oh. My. Parenting. Seriously, guys. This week has been bad. We are talking “keep the boys from smashing each others’ heads into the tile,” “lock mom in the bedroom for your own safety,” “slam doors and break door trim” kind of bad.

So after today, I’ve seriously had it. I’m one who wears my heart on my sleeve, so hiding my feelings is not happening. My kids know mommy is officially losing it. Seriously thought about walking out of the house and going for a drive alone; and I would have had I not remembered the fact that our youngest has a serious case of “If you leave, you are never coming back” syndrome. I get it. He’s been through a lot with daddy’s accident, heart attack, and so on and so forth. So I didn’t leave. I locked myself in the bedroom. Or was that last night? OHHHH right. It was both.

But with that being said, this terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week has left me with a big realization…

My dear children: I don’t like you.

You can officially give that mom of the year award away to anybody but me now. But it’s true. It’s summer, and I swear my children have turned into whiny, hearing impaired aliens. And it all comes down to one word, one word I can’t stand and absolutely despise…entitlement. I’m pretty sure both of my children have the word written across their foreheads at this very moment.

Get food out of the freezer and a few items fall out? Don’t worry. It works best if you stand there and scream and jump for mom to come pick it up since your “hands are full” of your nice cold treat.

Hungry at 5:00 and mom isn’t making supper fast enough? No worries. Just open up a can of spaghettios, warm them up in the microwave, and enjoy your time ruining your appetite for the nice meal your mother is about to begin preparing. Oh but be sure you leave all trash out, your bowl sitting in the living room for three days, and splatter that yummy sauce all over the microwave. Awesome.

Too tired to lift the toilet seat? Don’t worry. I genuinely love cleaning up pee all over the bathroom. Oh, and I adore sitting in it. Thank you!

Can’t find that precious stuffed animal? Oh it was me. Totally me. I hid it in an underground cave of wonders because I generally suck. That is all.

But entitlement is not only extremely annoying, it’s also dangerous. I refuse, REFUSE, to raise children who believe the world owes them anything. You work hard. You stand up for what you believe in. You get knocked down and you get back up. That’s what I want them to know. But right now, I’m pretty sure I’m failing miserably. Now don’t get me wrong, I know that a bad day does not mean a bad life. But this entitlement issue is bad.

So it’s true, my boys. I don’t like you right now. I love you. Oh my goodness do I love you. You have no idea how much, but that’s why you have to know why I don’t like you. We all have some work to do. Because when I don’t like you, I generally don’t like the person I become either. I turn into a screaming maniac. And if you ever videotape one of my outbursts, I will send your most embarrassing pictures to every girlfriend you will ever have for social media sharing.

Entitlement equals disrespect, and those are the issues we are having. While I love you, my children, I don’t like you right now. And if this behavior doesn’t stop, nobody else is going to like you either. Keeping a job? Forget it. You’ll believe you only have to show up when you feel like it and can leave whenever you want. Having a meaningful and loving relationship with a woman? No way. You’ll believe any woman is only there to pick up after you and allow you to walk all over her. Succeed in school? Nope. You’ll find a way to blame all of your mistakes on someone else.

So guess what, my children? You live under my roof, and this behavior stops now. I love you too much to not like you.

Love,

Mom

www.jeremyandbailey.com

https://www.facebook.com/jeremyandbaileykoch/

You’ve Been Punked: Top Five Commonly Told Lies From “Old Moms” to “New Moms”

/ Anchoring Hope for Mental Health / Leave a comment

As a mom of two young boys, ages 6 and 9, I can tell you I’ve been given a lot of advice over the years. I remember being a brand new mom and getting lots of unsolicited advice…that still happens. But please remember, there is a difference between advice and criticism. I respond well to advice; take it or leave it I figure. I’ll listen and be polite, but I don’t have to agree. But parenting criticism? No. Just no. I’m the mom and won’t pretend I’m right all the time concerning my parenting, but you sure as heck aren’t going to tell me you are right about how I should parent my kids. That’s just rude.

I’m currently in the stage of life when I know I am done pro-creating. My humans are made and growing. My husband and I made two males, and our family is perfectly perfect for us. I have lots of friends with kids and I have lots of friends without. In fact, most of my best friends since I was a wee-one are just now beginning to think about starting families. Today, I was on the phone with my bestie since fourth grade and we laughed about the stage of life she will be entering soon when she and her husband begin their family. I’ve been through a lot as a mom.

So my discussion with my best friend, who is thinking about the prospect of mommyhood, made me really start thinking about the fact that I was punked by a lot of moms who tried to give me “advice” when I began my family. I’ve compiled a list for you so you know when you’ve been lied to and can properly prepare for the reality of life as a parent.

Disclaimer…I understand trying to be super positive. Mommyhood is an absolutely awesome gig. However, in never sharing the reality that we all struggle at times, we make new mommies feel badly for not always enjoying every minute. So let’s be honest on both sides, shall we?

  1. “Trying to have a baby is fun! It will be a magical time for you and your husband.”

    Let’s face it. We are taking sex, something that should be quite enjoyable for a married couple, and turning it into a job. The ultimate goal is to create a human. Ready. Go! That’s a lot of pressure. With a job comes stress, and trying to have a baby can be stressful. Every month, if procreating hasn’t happened yet, you’ll get your monthly visitor and you will feel disappointed, sometimes even fearful. It’s not always a magical time. My advice? Try as hard as you can to relax and just “let it happen.” If it doesn’t happen right away, try not to stress and worry. Remember, there are a lot of ways to make a family. Trying can take a long time for many. But the more you stress, the worse your chances are. Trying to have a baby can be fun; with that I agree. But it can also be messy and stressful. Don’t fret; your family will happen. The more you plan, the more God laughs. Take time from baby making to just enjoy your spouse so you forget the ultimate goal. Focus on your marriage first.

  2. “Pregnancy is such an amazing time of life. You will love every minute.”

    Amazing? Yes. Worth it? Yes. You will love every minute? No…not even close. And that’s okay. If you are surrounded by women who say they just “want to stay pregnant forever,” find new friends. Those women are lying to themselves and to you. And if they aren’t, they are aliens whom are obviously not experiencing or noticing the reality of pregnancy. Hemorrhoids are absolutely awful and they certainly happen. Your boobs begin to look like they belong to some old woman but they are still attached to you; it’s very confusing. Leaking happens everywhere there is a hole; again, very odd and overwhelming. Heartburn…ooohh the heartburn. The tiny humans like to wedge themselves in places (mine took up residence with feet under my ribs) and stretch to oblivion so it is impossible to sleep or get comfortable.  And then there’s labor. Actually, labor was my favorite part because it meant I was almost done being pregnant. But I’m not going to lie; it hurts.

    The main part about pregnancy they don’t warn you about? Worry. Worry took over so much of my joy. It is possible to enjoy pregnancy, especially knowing the end result is so worth everything, but there are a lot of normal emotions to be prepared for. There is a lot that can go wrong, but there is a lot that doesn’t go wrong. Try not to worry. Try to enjoy it. You will be uncomfortable and you may or may not love being pregnant. Both are fine. So don’t think you are weird if you don’t enjoy every minute.

  3. “Baby snuggles are the best; you will just love having a newborn.”

    Okay, I can’t dispute that baby snuggles are the best and it’s awesome to have a newborn, but there are some hidden dangers in saying to every mom that you will just “love having a newborn.” When Hudson was three days old, I was so exhausted that I walked through a doorway holding him and nailed his head on the side of the door. Bam! I dropped to my knees and bawled for an hour trying desperately to understand how I, Bailey Koch, was effectively going to keep this precious tiny human alive. I. Was. Not. Worthy. I felt completely unfit. Then, I went downstairs and took a hot bath to try to relax and calm down. My boobs started shooting milk literally across the bathroom. Little did I know, I also had a massive infection. Mastitis. My fever was 103.5 at that moment. I had just given birth and it hurt to sit, stand, pee, poop, move, etc. My emotions were everywhere and there was no escaping the fact that I felt like absolute crap and was one of two people solely responsible for keeping this child alive. In those moments, I did not love having a newborn. I was terrified. And now I see that I was also having a completely normal reaction to being a new mom. I learned to accept help and tried hard to embrace those baby snuggles in between breakdowns, burps, and breastfeeding nightmares. This brings me to the next lie.
  4. “Breastfeeding is a completely natural process. You will catch right on.”

    I’m pretty passionate about this one. No, it’s not completely natural for many. Some moms are rock stars at breastfeeding. Some are not. I am not. In fact (and this is not an invitation to tell me how horrible of a human I am because I am not a fan of breastfeeding), I am quite creeped out by breastfeeding in general. I think it’s fabulous if women want to breastfeed. I don’t even have issues seeing it; it’s a boob with a human attached. The human has to eat, and this is a completely okay decision by the mother to feed her human in this format. So get over it. Don’t want to see it? Don’t look. For me, I hated it. It never felt natural. I never felt bonded to my child during breastfeeding. It never worked, and frankly, I felt extremely uncomfortable.

    I tried to breastfeed; I tried hard. I lasted with Hudson for 8 weeks and had mastitis three times. I bled. My nipples were horribly sore, and I was completely miserable. Every time I tried to feed my son, I cried. He cried. Neither of us were getting anywhere. I utilized the help of everyone, from friends and family to breastfeeding experts and doctors. I only kept trying because so many women made me feel like absolute crap for not loving every minute of breastfeeding. I was made to feel like a failure, and now I look back and want to tell those women, “Shame on you for making some feel this way.” I did not feel supported at all. Finally, a fabulous doctor said to me, “Bailey, it’s okay. Your body is not making enough for Hudson and it’s not your fault. You gave it your all. It’s okay.” I cried and cried and cried that I was never able to enjoy it or make it work like so many made me believe was supposed to happen. In fact, I even refused to give up when I had Asher. I thought maybe I just hadn’t tried hard enough. But the same things happened with him. I lasted two weeks and got mastitis again. Again, I utilized all the help available. It didn’t work. I hated breastfeeding and it did not work for my body. I was uncomfortable and miserable the entire time and my sons were not getting the nutrition they needed and deserved. They needed formula.
    I’m not sharing this for any other reason than to help you understand it’s not natural for everyone; that is why there are breastfeeding experts. If you want to try it, awesome. If not, don’t allow society to make you feel badly about that. If you don’t feel natural about it, or are even slightly creeped out by it as I was, don’t feel bad. Breastfeeding or not is a choice. Do what’s right for you.

  5. “You will miss this.”

    This is my favorite lie, and I still hear it all the time. I post something about a mountain of laundry and somebody inevitably writes, “You will miss this someday.” I say something about my son being grounded for being extremely disrespectful and somebody says, “One day, your house will be quiet.”

    Okay, I think it’s great that you miss the mountain of laundry, but I don’t. And I don’t plan on it. I get that my house will be quiet, but that doesn’t mean I will miss ear-piercing screaming and door slamming. You also told me I would miss having infants. Guess what? I don’t. I am in a fabulous time of life when I get to borrow my awesome friends’ tiny humans and then give them back. I am not responsible for them 24 hours a day. Our boys are 6 and 9 and I am learning to embrace every stage. I now have small to medium-sized humans and with that comes new triumphs and challenges; every stage does. Someday, my 9 year old will grow out of fits and door slams when he doesn’t get his way; I will not miss those moments. My children sleep through the night with no problems; I do not miss the stage when we were up with them at all hours. My children know how to tell me when something hurts; I do not miss those moments of tears streaming down their sweet little faces and mommy having no idea what to do to help. My children do not poop in the bathtub or rip off their pants randomly after having done their business only to smear it in or on places it’s not supposed to be; I do not miss clean-up from said disasters.

    Some phases I look back on with fondness and I smile. Some things I miss…yes. Some cause me to look back and laugh hysterically at the fact we all survived. I do not miss everything. I’m thoroughly trying to enjoy every stage (some days are harder than others), and I think that’s okay.

So it’s true. We all have been lied to. But there is one thing we can all likely agree on…no matter what, parenting is a pretty great gig. Just know you are not crazy for not loving every minute. It’s okay to look forward to the next stage.

Read more about our story at www.jeremyandbailey.com. Link to previous blog posts about parenting like “My Kids Hate Me” and “Advice to My Boys: 12 Non-Negotiables.”  Follow us on Facebook.

My Kids Hate Me

/ Anchoring Hope for Mental Health / 1 Comment

You learn you are expecting a child. Whether that child is coming from your own womb or the womb of another, you are about to be a parent. And then, the day comes when the baby enters the world. You marvel at how this tiny human was created. You dream, even plan, of how you will be the most amazing parent ever. You will guide, protect, and be patient and gentle. You will not yell or allow anger to take over your parental decisions. You will raise respectful children who are always kind to others.

Then the tiny human begins to grow. Then one extremely early morning, you wake to find that tiny human has grown into small human and has escaped from his crib only to stand next to you and scare the living crap out of you with the words, “I jump!” Yes, ladies and gentlemen, small human is a climber. Did I mention small human also puts everything in his mouth? Yes, that includes his pee soaked diaper insides that exploded since he slept through the entire night. You learn that the people who work for the Poison Control Center are fabulously understanding and most importantly, that small human will be okay. You learn to be thankful for non-toxic everything.

Ahh, but don’t forget you have another small human, the one who was here first and wants nothing more than to see slightly smaller human destroyed. So one day, you turn your back for a moment and find that small human has convinced smaller human to climb from the upper deck onto the roof. After a minor heart attack, you safely maneuver smaller human back onto the deck.

These small humans have very little understanding of the word “danger” until they experience pain for themselves. Parents know nothing. Experience means little. 

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“Let’s keep him. I want to take him home.” – Hudson (age 2 1/2…proof he liked baby brother at one point)

So now I am mom to two medium-sized humans. Two boys to be exact. I laugh at my parenting plans before I actually had to do my best every day to attempt to keep these children from injuring themselves or others. I remember saying I would never spank. I remember saying I would never yell. I remember believing I would just know what to do. So here’s the truth now, as our boys will be ages 10 and 7 this year. I spank. I yell. And I have no idea what I’m doing or how to handle most, if not all, parenting situations.

So here’s the reality today. My kids generally hate me. They want to eat junk all day long; we don’t let them. They want to eat and run; we make them eat dinner with us as a family most days. They want to pee all over the toilet seat and expect mom to clean up after them; we make them clean it up themselves. They want to stay home on Sunday mornings in their underwear and play video games; we go to church as a family. They want to get angry, scream that I am a horrible mother, and then go back to their video games; they get grounded, spanked, and don’t get video games for a week. They want to forget their manners; they lose Kindle time. They want to destroy their bedrooms and expect mom and dad to clean them up; we shut the doors until they run out of clothes and are forced to clean. They want to be rough on toys and expect mom and dad to just buy new ones; we make them work to earn their own money by doing chores and use their money to purchase replacements. They want to try dangerous stunts; we let them within reason…they learn. They want to play video games all day long; we cancel cable in the summer and only allow television time in the evenings after we’ve been outside all day long. They want to be the first to run in everywhere; we make them hold doors for others. They want to do wrong and blame others; we teach them how to accept responsibility and fix mistakes. They want to have things and favors handed to them; we teach them to work hard and help others without expecting in return. They want to goof off in school; we teach them to respect a solid education and the teachers giving it to them.

They don’t yet understand what we are trying to do…that we are just trying to help them grow into respectful and responsible young men. We don’t know what we are doing as parents, but we do know we are trying our best. Yes, I yell. Yes, I allow anger to control my parenting from time to time. Yes, I will spank our children if the situation warrants it. No, I do not know if what we are doing is working. I believe my roll is to parent and pray; that’s it.

A woman once said to me, “Free will trumps good parenting every day.” This is so true. And honestly, it makes me feel so much better. I will do my best as their mother. I will raise them in a Christian environment with the knowledge that we respect and love others, we treat women with gentleness and admiration, and we share responsibilities in the home. We work for what we get in life and we do not expect handouts. We believe in education and using passions and God-given talents to help others. So at the end of the day, our kids still have to choose. They still have to make their own choices. We can’t be there always to be sure they are following through with what we are teaching. Free will trumps good parenting.

Parent and pray. That’s what I’ll keep doing every day. It’s worth it. I just pray we are doing right by them. Parent and pray.

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Like Jeremy and Bailey on Facebook to learn more about our story and daily life. We are Christian advocates for mental health and Jeremy has survived multiple suicide attempts and lives with severe depression. We run a support group, Anchoring Hope, in Cozad, Nebraska for those suffering from mental illness or supporting a loved one. Be sure to check out our website at www.jeremyandbailey.com to find more and even link to purchase our book, “Never Alone: A Husband and Wife’s Journey with Depression and Faith.”