You make me so proud. You make me want to pull out my hair sometimes, but the vast majority of the time, you make me so proud. Today the pride turned to tears because I truly saw glimpses of the man you are becoming. I saw your future. And as a mother, that means two overwhelming emotions intertwined into one…joy and fear.
It’s hard on a momma. Watching you grow means every day you are one step closer to spreading your wings. I know you’ll never “leave” me. No matter what happens, my heart will never let you go. But these glimpses of the man you are becoming mean that one day you’ll hold another woman with strength, protection, and the gentle embrace of love your dad has displayed for you with your momma. You’ll be hers, and she will come before me. That’s life, and that’s the way it should be. But it’s still hard on a momma.
These two photos tell a very important story of this morning. The woman behind the camera, your mother, is currently recovering from a hysterectomy only five days ago. She is tender and sore, but she’s still trying to be superwoman because that’s who she is. She’s a fighter and your daddy’s “firecracker.” But she’s also weak sometimes. Sometimes she needs help. But she’s not great at asking for it. And this is where the glimpses of the man you are becoming came in.
When I woke up this morning, I was a bit sore from sitting up as much as I did yesterday. You came in and asked me how I was feeling. I told you I was hurting a bit but not too bad. I know you read my face and realized that “not too bad” really means Oh for the love of all that is pure, this hurts today. You disappeared behind the door and I assumed you were going outside to jump on the trampoline or play basketball, typical activities for you and your brother given you are only 10 and 8 years old. But I was wrong. When I emerged from my bathroom and made my way to the kitchen, I stopped in my tracks. There you sat with your brother, happily chatting while dividing the mountain of laundry into folded piles for each family member. I stood there stunned. Seeing you help is not uncommon; your dad does most of the laundry and I the dishes and you are expected to pull your weight. But we always ask for your help. We always gently, sometimes not-so-gently, remind you of your chores.
“Did your dad tell you to start folding?” I inquired.
“No. We just wanted to get a jump on it.”
This was a glimpse of the man you are becoming, and tears fell from my eyes. I’ll admit that I didn’t entirely believe you so called your dad to ask if he had mentioned the idea of helping. He hadn’t. So very proud. So very encouraged to know that we must be doing something right. You see, parenting involves a constant stream of self-doubt and fear. But today. Today I felt on track. And after the laundry was caught up, you bounced to the kitchen with your brother and tackled the dishes…again without being asked. Yet another glimpse of the man you are becoming.
Keep growing, my son. Keep learning. Continue being you, making mistakes, getting dirty, and growing bigger. And I’ll be here. I’ll be here cheering for you, teaching you, helping you, and encouraging you every step of the way. I’ll be here reminding myself of these glimpses during those times when it’s clear you are still a child. I’ll be here eagerly awaiting the next glimpse of the man you are becoming. Why? Because I couldn’t be more proud to be your momma.
All my love,
~ Bailey Koch
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