Faith

I Prayed For My Husband To Die

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*** Trigger warning: mental illness and suicide. But also hope after hell. ***

Surrendering to God’s will looks a lot different than you might think. 

I never thought this would be possible. You know…watching my husband walk alongside his teen and pre-teen sons. I thought I would be telling these boys stories of how much their father loved them. Of how much he wanted to watch them grow up, but mental illness just wouldn’t let him. 

I fought for years to try and be the reason my husband was alive. To control his journey. To force ignorance and fake smiles. To stay awake and vigilant so as to never leave him alone…for fear suicide would claim him once and for all. But I reached a point of loss. Loss of myself. Loss of my marriage as I had known it. Loss of all joy. Loss of all hope. 

I remember yelling…screaming at God for giving this mental illness, this hell, to my husband. I cried and fell to my knees in agony. Looking back, I can see it was a moment of complete surrender. 

In that moment, I prayed for my husband to die. Suicide had to be the only answer…that’s what my husband’s brain thought. Maybe he was right. So I did it. I prayed to God to take my husband…to release him from the pain, no…the agony, of the hell he lived on this earth. I didn’t want him to suffer. He didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve these relentless suicidal thoughts.

I prayed for my “Plan B,” because my Plan A clearly wasn’t happening. I would be okay without my husband. I knew I would be okay. I would raise our boys to know and love their father…the man he was before mental illness took over. For the first time in years, I felt at peace.

I imagined Hudson’s birthday party. Our son was only 4 at that time, but I imagined his 13th birthday. I knelt down next to him as he forced a smile glowing behind 13 burning candles. “I just wish dad could be here, mom.” 

“I know, baby.” I would say. “He wanted to be here too.” I would hug him and tell him how proud his father would be of the man he was becoming. I knew how I would handle every conversation. I couldn’t control my husband’s mental illness, but I could control how I would raise our boys after my husband would pass. 

I surrendered to His will. All I had been doing was fight Him. All I had been doing was trying to control. So I gave in. God’s will had to be for my husband to die. Why else would we be living this? I let go and allowed God to move us. I was ready. I was exhausted. I was done.

I know now that as I prayed for my husband to die, God rejoiced.

God moved us so far beyond where I thought he was going to move us that it took me years to figure out my prayers for my husband’s death were prayers of surrender. I didn’t want my husband to die; I wanted him to be healed. And in my brain, healing could only take place in death…because mental illness had tricked my brain too.

In my heart, I wanted my husband back…but more, I wanted to be held by my Father.

Thank God, He heard the prayer of my heart and not of my brain. And He blessed us more than we ever could have imagined. He turned our story of tragedy into a story of hope. He worked on our hearts for years…that one day we would be willing to share our journey. From start to finish and everything in between. From avoidance and terror to the acceptance of help and healing.

That’s my husband in the photo. And that boy on the left with his hands in his pockets…he’s 14. And his dad was there for his 13th birthday, in mind and in body.

God can’t move unless we let Him. And when we let Him…oh wow. Just wait for the lights to light up the darkness brighter than you ever imagined.

*** If you are experiencing any of the feelings described in this post…loss of hope or the desire to end life on this earth, please know there is hope. We have been there and it can get better with the acceptance of help. Please reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255, contact a counselor (we are big believers in talk therapy and continue to this day), contact a doctor (yes, we do take medications daily…not everyone needs to, but that needs to be a conversation between you and your doctor), or even go to the emergency room or nearest mental health facility if you don’t feel safe. Tell someone. You’re not alone and you are so very loved by Him. Why else would these words have made their way to you today? Who do you think may be trying to get your attention? Trust Him. Accept help.

A Letter to Those Who Don’t Understand

/ Anchoring Hope for Mental Health / 5 Comments

Mental illness is a tricky asshole, we get that. But you know what’s even worse than mental illness? The judgment, blame, and shame that can come from those who don’t understand it.

Mental illness can take a person and turn them into someone practically unrecognizable. It can sneak around behind closed doors, in walls, and hide in the dark. It can be a shape-shifter. It can put on a happy face for the rest of the world while those who truly know the person that mental illness has stolen see nothing but the lies, deceit, and terror lurking everywhere.

Mental illness can blame. It wants to be fixed…now. It doesn’t want to work, wait, or see the truth. Mental illness wants to take everyone else down with it. And you know what? It will if you let it. Mental illness wants those who are healthy to be destroyed. It wants families torn apart and blame placed. It wants others to be destroyed trying desperately to be the reason someone else is okay.

Mental illness doesn’t want to talk. It wants to make up lies and excuses while instilling fear. Mental illness doesn’t want to have a grown-up conversation about itself. It seeks only to divide, separate, and hush. Mental illness wants to win…and sometimes it will in this life.

But Jesus has already won the war.

I Took My Life. Please Don’t Think I’m Selfish.

/ Anchoring Hope for Mental Health / 146 Comments

***~ If you are experiencing any of the feelings described in this post, please reach out and accept help. You are loved, wanted, and so important. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ ***

I know you’re hurting, but I’m here to say I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. In fact, my brain constantly and overwhelmingly convinced me that you are better off without me. I truly believed that I was doing you a favor. Now that I’m gone, I understand how sick I was. I get it. And I’m sorry I hurt you.

I didn’t know any better. Mental illness clouded me. It enveloped me like a thick fog and all I saw was darkness. Everywhere I turned. Darkness.

You see, even though the world will often say that I didn’t consider my friends and family at all, that I was so selfish, you were actually the only thing on my mind. I understand now how mental illness works. And just so you know, God understands it too. He’s here with me…or I’m here with Him. However you want to look at it. It’s cool. I’m good. 

I was in so much pain on earth. I just knew. I knew how much of a burden I was to you. I knew your life would be beautiful if only you didn’t have to worry about my problems. Yes, you tried to convince me otherwise. And I love you so much for that. I love how hard you tried. And I know you loved me fiercely on earth; I see that now. I saw it then too, but my mental illness didn’t let me care. Sometimes I wanted to, but here’s the thing…I was really good at hiding the pain. I just didn’t want you to have to worry, and I didn’t understand I was doing more harm by not being honest…by not accepting the help you tried to give. Mental illness just wouldn’t let me; it held me so strongly in its grasp. So you need to know one thing.

This was not your fault.

Truth be told, it wasn’t my fault either. Mental illness won in that life, but it didn’t win in the life I’m in now. It is a disease…not unlike other diseases that cause death. I’m in no pain. It’s beautiful here. I’m okay.

I did take my own life, but please know I wasn’t trying to be selfish. The pain was intense, but not for myself. The pain I felt for you, for the pain I truly believed I was causing you, was unbearable. I love you now. I loved you then. I’m excited to see you soon. I’m here.

All my love,

Me.

~ Written by Jeremy & Bailey Koch. Jeremy, a five-time suicide attempt survivor, has lived to explain the reality of suicidal ideations. Bailey, his wife and primary support person, stands beside him and helps him accept help and share his story. This post was written based upon a suicide note Jeremy left for Bailey in 2012. As of today, Jeremy is nearly 3 years free of suicidal thoughts. Healing happens. Hold onto hope.

~ If you are experiencing any of the feelings described in this post, please reach out and accept help. You are loved, wanted, and so important. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

~ Follow our journey on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/jeremyandbailey/. Our website is at www.jeremyandbailey.com. On social media @jeremyandbailey.

Hefty and Happy

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This was me. Here I was, vacationing in Colorado with my beautiful family in July of 2012, a lot thinner than I am now. I was around 50 pounds lighter. And I was miserable.

Now don’t get your panties in a twist, Tiny Tina. I’m not bagging on fitness, exercise, watching what you eat, whatever. I’m just telling my story.

I didn’t try to lose weight at this point in my life. I lost the weight because I was completely unhealthy. I barely ate. I threw up a lot…not because I was trying to, but because my anxiety was so high wondering if I would come home to my husband dead that my body couldn’t process foods. Sure, I posted the pictures and pretended. I loved the comments of, “You look so beautiful!” and “Oh my gosh you look amazing!” The attention from others, the comments…they kept me going. But here’s what you didn’t know…

I’m not naturally a small person. I’m an in-betweenie. I thrived on attention at that point in my life because my real world was crumbling. My husband had recently survived his fourth, and by far the most serious, suicide attempt. We hadn’t opened up to the world about our reality with mental illness yet. In order to feel like my husband wanted me in any way, I had to initiate. His Depression had taken over. My husband was no longer the man I married and emotionally, I was a single mother. We were together and he was physically there, but that’s all. So I poured myself into something different…into myself and attention from others.

Now let’s fast-forward to December 2018…

Over the years, my husband learned to be open. He learned to accept help. We learned how to live a life for others as opposed to ourselves. We began to understand that God hadn’t done this to us, but rather for us.

I’m married to a five-time suicide attempt survivor, a man I have more respect and love for than anyone else in the world. My husband lives for Jesus, takes medication, sees a counselor, has lunch with his pastor near weekly, and is raising two beautiful boys to know their Father, to respect others, to express emotions, and to accept help. I’m married to a man who loves his wife, respects every part of her, desires her, and craves time with her. Our family became a family of fighters.

For a while in life, mental illness took over our lives because we let it. Now, we have learned to live and not just stay alive.

This is our family now…

I can’t say I don’t want to exercise, eat right, and take care of myself. But I can say that, should I choose to try to lose weight, it will be a whole new ball game for me. It will be a completely different journey. It will be because I will have to learn how to take care of myself in healthy ways, rather than thriving on attention.

For now, I’m hefty and happy. And I’m 100% okay with who I am and where I am.

~

Follow our journey on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/jeremyandbailey/

Find us on Instagram and Twitter @jeremyandbailey

10 Ways to Help Your Friend Living in a Hospital

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It happens a lot. 

All of the sudden, life kicks one of your friends or family members right in the rear. It appears that friend will be spending an undisclosed amount of time away from home…likely due to health issues. Perhaps they are healing themselves. Perhaps supporting a loved one (child, spouse, parent, etc.).

No matter what the situation, you know your friend needs to feel supported. But asking for help is not an easy thing to do, especially when feeling helpless yourself. As a friend, you want to help, but you aren’t sure what to do without someone telling you. So how can you help?

As the wife of a man who spent almost a month in a hospital…in a city hours away from our home, I’m here to give you some advice. Jeremy survived a head-on collision on the highway in 2012, and the support we received from family and friends is what kept us going.

Jeremy’s 1/2 ton Dodge Ram, well…what was left of it, after the 2012 head-on collision with a semi-truck on Highway 30 in Nebraska.

Because “thank you” never seems sufficient, passing on the love and support to others is what we try hard to do. So let us help you with some ideas to suit any budget. Some of these ideas cost nothing but time, others cost more. Do what works for you!

Here is a list of the top ten most helpful and memorable “somethings” others did for us while we were fighting for health away from home:

  1. Gift Cards

    I am especially a fan of prepaid Visa cards because you can use them anywhere. From gas for the vehicle to food and even clothing runs, gift cards are extremely helpful when you’re away from home.

  2. Hospital Cafeteria Gift Cards

    This is one I never would have thought of. But a friend of the family contacted the hospital we were in and purchased a gift card to that hospital’s cafeteria. That was hugely helpful. I rarely wanted to leave Jeremy’s side, so having the option of eating with him, or very close to him, was so thoughtful. Then I was able to quickly return to my post…beside him.

  3. A Floor Mat

    I know…sounds weird. But those hospital rollaway beds or chairs are horribly uncomfortable for those of us supporting a loved one. I actually purchased a floor mat for myself, but if I find that another person is having to stay in the hospital for as long as we did, I immediately think of this. I was able to roll up my comfy mat and tuck it away in a corner of the hospital room during the day. At night, I simply laid it out on the floor and slept so much better than I had pre-floor mat. And now, we use it as another bed when our boys have sleepovers!

  4. Plants

    Cliché? Perhaps. But having some life in the hospital room certainly brought some positivity to our days.

  5. Snail Mail Cards and Pictures

    Yup…good old fashioned cards and pictures. We loved them. I decorated an entire wall in front of Jeremy with them. The bright colors and inspiring messages, especially those talking about how many prayers were being sent up, were so helpful to our moods. Oh…and never underestimate the power of a child’s drawing.

  6. Gift Basket of Relaxing Items

    Ahhh the basket. I still remember digging into that thing like it was Christmas. We had been in the hospital for over a week with no end to our stay in sight. That basket arrived and I found slippers, crossword puzzles, journals, robes, blankets, stress balls, joke books, etc. Oh, it was a happy day. The sky is the limit here…make it personalized!

  7. Entertainment for the Family and Friends

    Sometimes, if your friends are in a situation like we were, family and friends will visit for hours or even days at a time. We had small children when Jeremy had his accident…Hudson was five and Asher was two. One gift we received included games, toys, puzzles, colors and coloring books, and playing cards…great items for entertainment not only for us and our kids, but for other visitors as well.

  8. Clean House. 

    Yes, literally, clean house. When it was coming close to the time when we were expected to come home, a large number of friends and family went to our home and cleaned it from top to bottom. My sister-in-law and a friend deep cleaned the inside of our home while others picked up our landscaping…primarily leaves and cornstalks that had blown in the yard. Coming home to a clean house with no worries but to care for my family was an enormous weight off my shoulders.

  9. House Sit.

    Offer to watch the pets, pick up mail, keep the house from smelling like a dungeon, etc. Having someone watching our home for anything odd and just keeping an eye out was a usual stressor I didn’t have to worry about.

  10. Freezer Meals

    Coming home to a freezer stocked full of meals was incredible. Friends made meals and froze them. That way, when we came home, we were still being taken care of and could concentrate on healing. And it’s important to let your friend know that you are making meals. That way they know that food, upon arriving home, will not be a problem. It takes away a lot of stress.

So there you have it. Feel free to share our list and pass on the goodness to others! And never underestimate the power of prayer.

Our family in our home away from home for a full month in 2012…

Peace!
– Jeremy & Bailey Koch

I Can’t Be the Reason He’s Okay

/ Anchoring Hope for Mental Health / 2 Comments

I’m fighting myself hard right now.

My husband is in a stressful season of life. He has not been his bubbly, funny self these last couple of days. While my husband, just like everyone else, is allowed to have bad days, I can’t help but worry.

Some people have bad days. But for Jeremy, bad days can turn into suicidal thoughts. And those thoughts can turn into actions. Because they have before.

Jeremy is a five-time suicide attempt survivor. He has severe depression. In those years when we fought so hard to keep him alive, I was constantly on my toes. I didn’t sleep…ever. Because if I did sleep, I would wake up to find him missing from our bed. My heart would start pounding…even if he was just using the restroom.

But then there was the time I woke to find he had written me a suicide note and left it in our kitchen. Every part of me believed he was gone that night. Thank God I found him still alive. But I stopped sleeping after that. To me at that time of life, sleep meant weakness. Sleep meant less to me than my husband’s life. So I stayed awake…to keep watch. To be sure my husband stayed alive.

But life changed…

Jeremy learned to fight his depression. He learned to reach out for help, to tell the truth, and to no longer try to fight this battle alone. We both found healing in sharing our truth. And it has now been over 2 years since Jeremy had suicidal thoughts. He’s doing well.

And today, Jeremy’s just having a bad day. He’s allowed to have a bad day. He’s human. Yes he has depression. But his symptoms are well-managed. He takes his medications, meets with his counselor, talks to his pastor, and reaches out if he’s struggling. Today is a bad day. It’s just a bad day. Can you tell I’m trying to convince myself?

You see, as Jeremy’s wife and primary support person, it’s very hard to not go back to the person I felt I had to be at one point in my life…the reason he was still alive.

I put an awful lot on my shoulders for an awful long time. I tried to save Jeremy. I tried to be the reason he was alive. I refused to give up the control. And it nearly killed me.

So here I sit in my living room. I type this as my husband lies restless in the other room. He can’t shut off his brain because he’s worried. He knows I’m here, and I’ve asked him multiple times what his number is. It’s our system: 1 is he feels himself, 2 means he’s down, 3 is suicidal thoughts, 4 is he has a plan and it’s time to go to somewhere safe. We came up with numbers so we woudn’t have to constantly say the word, “suicidal.” It got really old. Our life revolved around that word.

It doesn’t now. We’ve learned how to live…not just stay alive. And we won’t go back to that. I won’t.

I can’t be the reason my husband is okay.

That’s too much pressure for any human to bear. Jeremy has to reach out for help. He has to fight his mental illness by accepting help from others and by using the tools he has learned through years of counseling. Yes, I’ll be here for him to offer encouragement and support because I know it’s so much harder for him. And when he asks me for help, you bet your boots I’ll be there for him in any way he needs. But I won’t do it for him. I can’t.

So tonight I can do the one thing I’ve learned to do so well…pray. I pray Jeremy gets through the hard days without his mental illness becoming a factor. I pray the suicidal thoughts stay away. I pray for the strength to not take my husband’s mental health on my shoulders. I pray for our family to stay healthy. I pray for Jeremy to continue accepting help and fighting. I pray…and fall asleep praying.

My husband is the strongest person I know because he’s a fighter…more importantly because he’s a believer. I imagine Jesus holding my husband as he lies in our bed tonight. I’m in the living room. Jesus has this. He has us.

I held a funeral for my husband. Now, he brings me flowers.

/ Anchoring Hope for Mental Health / 1 Comment

I held a funeral for my husband, but I was the only one there.

It was 2012, and I watched as he walked past me in the kitchen. A shell of his former self. No light in his eyes. Emotionally gone. I accepted that mental illness had won. I knew he would never come back. So I held a funeral in my mind.

You see, just like so many others do, I believed in the lies. The lies that told me there was no hope. The lies that told me not to accept help, to hide, and to deal with all that mental illness gave to us on our own. Behind closed doors. Shhh. Keep it secret.

But it didn’t work. And I had to hold a funeral for my husband. My husband who was physically still there. Heart beating. Healthy body. I learned how to live without him…that I didn’t need him. Oh how I still wanted him. But he was not the man I had married. Mental illness had taken him from me.

Till death do us part, right?

I had prayed to God over and over. I had prayed that He would heal Jeremy. All the while, I continued to live in complete silence about our reality. And God wasn’t answering my prayers.  Where was He? Why had He given this to my husband?

That day, I gave up on the life I had wanted. I watched that shell of a man he once was walk past me and I changed my prayer. I changed my attitude. I would be okay. I didn’t need my husband. I could still do everything I always wanted to do, be everything I wanted to be. But I would do it on my own.

I prayed that God would take him…that my husband would just finally be successful in his suicide attempts. I screamed and cried and grieved and slammed my fists on our shared bathroom counter. But he had been gone long before I held this funeral.

I sound horrible; I get that. And I don’t judge you for judging me. It’s devastating today to hear myself talk about the reality of my prayers at that time in my life. But it’s the truth. And I lived in the dark and in silence for too long. No more. So this is me. Take it or leave it.

I took my vows seriously. I knew Jeremy was physicaly still there. The thought of physically leaving him never entered my mind. In my mind, I was a widow. I still loved who he once was. But I truly believed he was gone and would never come back. I had to have a funeral to move on…to be there for our kids. They didn’t have their dad anymore – not their real dad. They had mental illness.

But from time to time, I would see light in my husband’s eyes. I held on to that hope as tightly as I could. And that hope is why I never wanted to leave. But I had to hold the funeral. I had to free myself of the life I was living. So I pictured the life that I would lead from that point forward. I would be a single mother. I would raise our boys…never EVER letting them believe the lies in our society. I would never let them believe their dad chose this life. I would never let them believe their dad was the one who had done this.

They needed to understand how to separate the mental illness from the person. This was Depression…not dad.

I understood. I was angry. Oh so angry. But I had to keep going. So I held a funeral for my husband. Now, he brings me flowers.

God changed my prayer after I gave up the control. I tell our boys He “One-upped” us. Boy, did He. Jeremy is now 2 1/2 years years free of suicidal thoughts. My husband learned to accept help. He learned how to fight. He tells his story to anyone who will listen. He talks to his counselor, psychiatrist, and pastor. He turns to his support system when he realizes the dark thoughts are on the verge of breaking through. He takes his medications and thanks God even for the hard times. Jeremy says, “If I can help just one person understand they’re not alone…that it can get better, then it’s worth it.” It’s not the power of the curse…it’s the power you give the curse.

He’s the strongest person I know. And now, he brings me flowers.

Follow our journey on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/jeremyandbailey/
@jeremyandbailey on Instagram & Twitter
Purchase our books and find more about us at www.jeremyandbailey.com

Mental Illness is NOT an Excuse

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Hi there.

I’m about to strike a nerve in the world of mental illness. And you know what? I’m already not sorry. Because here comes the firecracker in me…

So what do I know about mental illness? Quite a bit actually. We’ll start with the professional…I’m finishing up my doctorate degree in Special Education. I’ve studied the brain, learning, disabilities, and yes, mental illness as it relates to learning. And I’m not done; I love education. I believe in its importance.

Answers come with education, and I was DESPERATE to understand what my husband was going through.

So it’s time to move onto the personal experience…my husband, Jeremy, is a five-time suicide attempt survivor. He has held a bag over his head until his grandma knocked on the door and he pulled it off – just before he lost consciousness. He has locked himself in a garage with an engine running and dashed to open the door when the fumes started burning his lungs because he got a vision of our two sons waving goodbye. It terrified him. He has put a gun to his head and thankfully didn’t pull the trigger thanks to another vision. And he has been in a car accident that nearly claimed his life in which he drove into a semi-truck at highway speeds.

And he’s still here. I thank God every day he’s still here.

But we believe there’s a reason Jeremy is still alive; and part of that reason is to be advocates for mental health. A huge part. What am I saying? That’s it…all of it. It is our personal calling to spread the truth. So there are two parts to mental illness we need you to understand…

  1. MENTAL ILLNESSES ARE REAL. AND A REAL PAIN.We get it. We 100% get it. It is hard to deal with a mental illness of any kind. Some days, even getting out of bed is challenge. Some days, the colors of the world just seem dull. Some days, the light is too bright, people talk too loud or too much about things you don’t want to hear, and others just don’t get it. Some days, it’s easier to cancel that counseling appointment. Some days, it’s easier to not take the medication the doctor prescribed. Some days, it’s easier to just stay away from everyone.

    And worse…

    Some days, alcohol or cutting seem to feel better than reality. And some days, it seems like the best idea is to just end it all. You think you’re a burden, right? You think the world will be better off without you?

    Guess what? Your brain is messing with you. It’s not your fault, but it’s also not okay.

    Am I right? Did I say something above that sounded familiar. Then you have a mental illness. It is what it is. We deal with it too, that’s why we get it and why so much of what I just wrote sounds familiar. We do understand you. You’re not alone.

    So onto my most important point…

  2. MENTAL ILLNESSES WILL NOT GO AWAY WITHOUT A FIGHT.Here’s where I may strike a nerve.

    There’s a reason I wrote “some days” above. Because I know the truth of mental illness. I know where it starts and how it progresses. I know how it goes from fleeting thoughts… What if I just drive my car off the road?

    Wait…what the heck was that? I would never do that. Too many people love me.

    …back into what we call “moments of clarity.” You wonder where those thoughts came from or why you would think them. You wonder if that’s normal? Sometimes you even try to convince yourself that it is (stop it).

    IT IS THE MOMENTS OF CLARITY THAT WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE.

    It is then, after you’ve experienced suicidal thoughts or even a profound feeling of sadness, mania, etc., and you come back to being yourself, that you NEED TO ASK FOR HELP.

    And if there are “triggers” around you, you need to learn how to deal with those. You need to accept help to the point where you are okay…truly okay. You need to learn how to reach out to your support system when you do experience those triggers. And it is absolutely possible, but it takes help from many around you. You are not alone, nor are you be expected to be.

    There is nothing…NOTHING…noble about trying to fight mental illness alone. No matter who you are. No matter what your support system consists of. We all have a support system in some way. This can consist of family, friends, counselors, doctors, nurses, churches, pastors, teachers, waitresses, librarians, meter readers…see where I’m going with this.

    I couldn’t care less who you tell. You just need to learn to say it.

    “I think my brain is lying to me. And I think I need help before it gets worse.”

    Now that’s noble.

    Mental illness is not an excuse; it’s a reason to fight harder.

    Accept help. FIGHT. And it will get better.

~ Jeremy & Bailey Koch

Purchase our books and find more about us at www.jeremyandbailey.com
Follow our journey on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/jeremyandbailey/
@jeremyandbailey on Instagram & Twitter

 

You Are Not Your Diagnosis

/ Anchoring Hope for Mental Health / 1 Comment

Hi, I’m Anxiety. I mean Bailey. And this is my husband, Depression. Well fluther mucker, I did it again. His name is Jeremy. Sorry.

2018-02-02 08.44.03.jpg

It’s just so hard to remember we have an actual identity. You know, because mental illness defines us. It dictates everything in our lives. It controls our decisions and our hopes and dreams. It decides whether we get up in the morning and socialize with people or if we choose to isolate ourselves. Mental illness determines who we are on any particular day. Yep…anxiety and depression are who we are.

Hold up…everything I just said is complete bull snot. And I’m seriously hoping you were able to read the sarcasm in my words. My diagnosis does NOT define me, and it certainly doesn’t define my husband.

We won’t hide it and we won’t lie. Jeremy has survived five suicide attempts. So while mental illness has certainly been a big part of our lives, we have learned many extremely important lessons. Are you ready for the big one?

You are NOT your diagnosis.

It’s easy for mental illness to feel like a huge weight, something that seems impossible to lift or overcome. But when we learn to reach out and accept help, whether that be through counseling, faith, a support network, a psychiatrist’s help, medication, or even diet and exercise, the heavy burden becomes less. Why? Because you alone are no longer carrying that weight.

So while mental illness used to decide whether Jeremy got up in the morning, socialized with others, or isolated himself, we learned to say, “This is a real disease…not anybody’s fault. It is what it is. Time to get up, fight, and learn how to be me again.”

Don’t allow your diagnosis to become who you are…because you are so much more.

You are loved. You are strong. You are confident. You are you, and no diagnosis can ever take that away if you don’t let it. Accepting help does not make you weak, it makes you a fighter.

So be you…not your diagnosis.

By the way, you’re amazing. Go you.

~~~

~ Jeremy & Bailey Koch (Anchoring Hope for Mental Health)

Follow us on Instagram, Facebook, & Twitter @jeremyandbailey

View our website at http://www.jeremyandbailey.com

Walk Beyond the Darkness

/ Anchoring Hope for Mental Health / Leave a comment
Something happens to all of us at some point in life. Something terrible. Something that makes us question everything about who we are. We all have a crisis…a turning point in our lives when we must choose to stand still, walk the left path, or take the “right” road.
At some point, we find ourselves standing at that fork in the road. We feel lost and confused…hopeless even. We feel defeated. We feel like God forgot us. That darkness and fog surrounds us. Even like He’s punishing us for something.
But we don’t understand.
We stand at the fork and watch as others walk past us. Some left. Some right. But we just stand there. Lost and confused. Searching for any signs that we should either go left or right. We stand there for what feels like an eternity. Not moving. Never looking for the signs…instead just hoping they show up.
And the wolves surround us. It’s easy to find prey when we’re not moving.
Surrounded by the pressure, we lift our head and watch someone about to take that right fork in the road. But they stop. They look back at us…surrounded by wolves and unwavering in our desire to just stand still. And they extend a hand.
No longer alone, we reach out for the hand.
No longer alone, we feel the fog begin to lift and we finally see the signs to go “right”. Why? Because we learned how to accept help. And because that person extended a hand, we can finally begin to see that the light existed just beyond the darkness…if we had only chosen to keep walking. To follow another blazing the “right” path before us.
Take the hand reaching out for you. Keep walking the right path. Keep following the One guiding you to the light. The signs surround you…you just have to be willing to take that hand.
You’re not alone. Look around you. Keep walking. There’s light beyond the darkness…you just may have to walk a little further. Through the thorns. Through the fog. Past those trying to get you to take the left path. Follow those willing to lead you and walk beyond the darkness.
And one day you’ll have the chance to lead another out of the darkness you were in.
~ Jeremy & Bailey Koch
A five-time suicide attempt survivor and wife.
Please share. Someone needs this message today. Life gets better.
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** Jeremy and Bailey Koch, along with their sons, Hudson and Asher, are extremely passionate about helping the world understand the reality of mental illness. Jeremy, diagnosed with depression in 2009 and ashamed of his brain, fought his dark thoughts alone for years. Finally, he found the strength to share his truth with Bailey. Together, they began the journey to healing. After six years filled with five attempts by Jeremy to end his life and multiple inpatient mental health facility stays as well as medication failures, Jeremy and Bailey began to embrace their truth and openly share their journey. What they found was support, healing, help, and more truth than they were prepared for. They found a world desperate to understand the truth but struggling with how to separate the person from the disease.
Follow our journey on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/jeremyandbaileykoch/.
Visit our website at http://www.jeremyandbailey.com/.