You’ve Been Punked: Top Five Commonly Told Lies From “Old Moms” to “New Moms”

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As a mom of two young boys, ages 6 and 9, I can tell you I’ve been given a lot of advice over the years. I remember being a brand new mom and getting lots of unsolicited advice…that still happens. But please remember, there is a difference between advice and criticism. I respond well to advice; take it or leave it I figure. I’ll listen and be polite, but I don’t have to agree. But parenting criticism? No. Just no. I’m the mom and won’t pretend I’m right all the time concerning my parenting, but you sure as heck aren’t going to tell me you are right about how I should parent my kids. That’s just rude.

I’m currently in the stage of life when I know I am done pro-creating. My humans are made and growing. My husband and I made two males, and our family is perfectly perfect for us. I have lots of friends with kids and I have lots of friends without. In fact, most of my best friends since I was a wee-one are just now beginning to think about starting families. Today, I was on the phone with my bestie since fourth grade and we laughed about the stage of life she will be entering soon when she and her husband begin their family. I’ve been through a lot as a mom.

So my discussion with my best friend, who is thinking about the prospect of mommyhood, made me really start thinking about the fact that I was punked by a lot of moms who tried to give me “advice” when I began my family. I’ve compiled a list for you so you know when you’ve been lied to and can properly prepare for the reality of life as a parent.

Disclaimer…I understand trying to be super positive. Mommyhood is an absolutely awesome gig. However, in never sharing the reality that we all struggle at times, we make new mommies feel badly for not always enjoying every minute. So let’s be honest on both sides, shall we?

  1. “Trying to have a baby is fun! It will be a magical time for you and your husband.”

    Let’s face it. We are taking sex, something that should be quite enjoyable for a married couple, and turning it into a job. The ultimate goal is to create a human. Ready. Go! That’s a lot of pressure. With a job comes stress, and trying to have a baby can be stressful. Every month, if procreating hasn’t happened yet, you’ll get your monthly visitor and you will feel disappointed, sometimes even fearful. It’s not always a magical time. My advice? Try as hard as you can to relax and just “let it happen.” If it doesn’t happen right away, try not to stress and worry. Remember, there are a lot of ways to make a family. Trying can take a long time for many. But the more you stress, the worse your chances are. Trying to have a baby can be fun; with that I agree. But it can also be messy and stressful. Don’t fret; your family will happen. The more you plan, the more God laughs. Take time from baby making to just enjoy your spouse so you forget the ultimate goal. Focus on your marriage first.

  2. “Pregnancy is such an amazing time of life. You will love every minute.”

    Amazing? Yes. Worth it? Yes. You will love every minute? No…not even close. And that’s okay. If you are surrounded by women who say they just “want to stay pregnant forever,” find new friends. Those women are lying to themselves and to you. And if they aren’t, they are aliens whom are obviously not experiencing or noticing the reality of pregnancy. Hemorrhoids are absolutely awful and they certainly happen. Your boobs begin to look like they belong to some old woman but they are still attached to you; it’s very confusing. Leaking happens everywhere there is a hole; again, very odd and overwhelming. Heartburn…ooohh the heartburn. The tiny humans like to wedge themselves in places (mine took up residence with feet under my ribs) and stretch to oblivion so it is impossible to sleep or get comfortable.  And then there’s labor. Actually, labor was my favorite part because it meant I was almost done being pregnant. But I’m not going to lie; it hurts.

    The main part about pregnancy they don’t warn you about? Worry. Worry took over so much of my joy. It is possible to enjoy pregnancy, especially knowing the end result is so worth everything, but there are a lot of normal emotions to be prepared for. There is a lot that can go wrong, but there is a lot that doesn’t go wrong. Try not to worry. Try to enjoy it. You will be uncomfortable and you may or may not love being pregnant. Both are fine. So don’t think you are weird if you don’t enjoy every minute.

  3. “Baby snuggles are the best; you will just love having a newborn.”

    Okay, I can’t dispute that baby snuggles are the best and it’s awesome to have a newborn, but there are some hidden dangers in saying to every mom that you will just “love having a newborn.” When Hudson was three days old, I was so exhausted that I walked through a doorway holding him and nailed his head on the side of the door. Bam! I dropped to my knees and bawled for an hour trying desperately to understand how I, Bailey Koch, was effectively going to keep this precious tiny human alive. I. Was. Not. Worthy. I felt completely unfit. Then, I went downstairs and took a hot bath to try to relax and calm down. My boobs started shooting milk literally across the bathroom. Little did I know, I also had a massive infection. Mastitis. My fever was 103.5 at that moment. I had just given birth and it hurt to sit, stand, pee, poop, move, etc. My emotions were everywhere and there was no escaping the fact that I felt like absolute crap and was one of two people solely responsible for keeping this child alive. In those moments, I did not love having a newborn. I was terrified. And now I see that I was also having a completely normal reaction to being a new mom. I learned to accept help and tried hard to embrace those baby snuggles in between breakdowns, burps, and breastfeeding nightmares. This brings me to the next lie.
  4. “Breastfeeding is a completely natural process. You will catch right on.”

    I’m pretty passionate about this one. No, it’s not completely natural for many. Some moms are rock stars at breastfeeding. Some are not. I am not. In fact (and this is not an invitation to tell me how horrible of a human I am because I am not a fan of breastfeeding), I am quite creeped out by breastfeeding in general. I think it’s fabulous if women want to breastfeed. I don’t even have issues seeing it; it’s a boob with a human attached. The human has to eat, and this is a completely okay decision by the mother to feed her human in this format. So get over it. Don’t want to see it? Don’t look. For me, I hated it. It never felt natural. I never felt bonded to my child during breastfeeding. It never worked, and frankly, I felt extremely uncomfortable.

    I tried to breastfeed; I tried hard. I lasted with Hudson for 8 weeks and had mastitis three times. I bled. My nipples were horribly sore, and I was completely miserable. Every time I tried to feed my son, I cried. He cried. Neither of us were getting anywhere. I utilized the help of everyone, from friends and family to breastfeeding experts and doctors. I only kept trying because so many women made me feel like absolute crap for not loving every minute of breastfeeding. I was made to feel like a failure, and now I look back and want to tell those women, “Shame on you for making some feel this way.” I did not feel supported at all. Finally, a fabulous doctor said to me, “Bailey, it’s okay. Your body is not making enough for Hudson and it’s not your fault. You gave it your all. It’s okay.” I cried and cried and cried that I was never able to enjoy it or make it work like so many made me believe was supposed to happen. In fact, I even refused to give up when I had Asher. I thought maybe I just hadn’t tried hard enough. But the same things happened with him. I lasted two weeks and got mastitis again. Again, I utilized all the help available. It didn’t work. I hated breastfeeding and it did not work for my body. I was uncomfortable and miserable the entire time and my sons were not getting the nutrition they needed and deserved. They needed formula.
    I’m not sharing this for any other reason than to help you understand it’s not natural for everyone; that is why there are breastfeeding experts. If you want to try it, awesome. If not, don’t allow society to make you feel badly about that. If you don’t feel natural about it, or are even slightly creeped out by it as I was, don’t feel bad. Breastfeeding or not is a choice. Do what’s right for you.

  5. “You will miss this.”

    This is my favorite lie, and I still hear it all the time. I post something about a mountain of laundry and somebody inevitably writes, “You will miss this someday.” I say something about my son being grounded for being extremely disrespectful and somebody says, “One day, your house will be quiet.”

    Okay, I think it’s great that you miss the mountain of laundry, but I don’t. And I don’t plan on it. I get that my house will be quiet, but that doesn’t mean I will miss ear-piercing screaming and door slamming. You also told me I would miss having infants. Guess what? I don’t. I am in a fabulous time of life when I get to borrow my awesome friends’ tiny humans and then give them back. I am not responsible for them 24 hours a day. Our boys are 6 and 9 and I am learning to embrace every stage. I now have small to medium-sized humans and with that comes new triumphs and challenges; every stage does. Someday, my 9 year old will grow out of fits and door slams when he doesn’t get his way; I will not miss those moments. My children sleep through the night with no problems; I do not miss the stage when we were up with them at all hours. My children know how to tell me when something hurts; I do not miss those moments of tears streaming down their sweet little faces and mommy having no idea what to do to help. My children do not poop in the bathtub or rip off their pants randomly after having done their business only to smear it in or on places it’s not supposed to be; I do not miss clean-up from said disasters.

    Some phases I look back on with fondness and I smile. Some things I miss…yes. Some cause me to look back and laugh hysterically at the fact we all survived. I do not miss everything. I’m thoroughly trying to enjoy every stage (some days are harder than others), and I think that’s okay.

So it’s true. We all have been lied to. But there is one thing we can all likely agree on…no matter what, parenting is a pretty great gig. Just know you are not crazy for not loving every minute. It’s okay to look forward to the next stage.

Read more about our story at www.jeremyandbailey.com. Link to previous blog posts about parenting like “My Kids Hate Me” and “Advice to My Boys: 12 Non-Negotiables.”  Follow us on Facebook.

My Kids Hate Me

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You learn you are expecting a child. Whether that child is coming from your own womb or the womb of another, you are about to be a parent. And then, the day comes when the baby enters the world. You marvel at how this tiny human was created. You dream, even plan, of how you will be the most amazing parent ever. You will guide, protect, and be patient and gentle. You will not yell or allow anger to take over your parental decisions. You will raise respectful children who are always kind to others.

Then the tiny human begins to grow. Then one extremely early morning, you wake to find that tiny human has grown into small human and has escaped from his crib only to stand next to you and scare the living crap out of you with the words, “I jump!” Yes, ladies and gentlemen, small human is a climber. Did I mention small human also puts everything in his mouth? Yes, that includes his pee soaked diaper insides that exploded since he slept through the entire night. You learn that the people who work for the Poison Control Center are fabulously understanding and most importantly, that small human will be okay. You learn to be thankful for non-toxic everything.

Ahh, but don’t forget you have another small human, the one who was here first and wants nothing more than to see slightly smaller human destroyed. So one day, you turn your back for a moment and find that small human has convinced smaller human to climb from the upper deck onto the roof. After a minor heart attack, you safely maneuver smaller human back onto the deck.

These small humans have very little understanding of the word “danger” until they experience pain for themselves. Parents know nothing. Experience means little. 

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“Let’s keep him. I want to take him home.” – Hudson (age 2 1/2…proof he liked baby brother at one point)

So now I am mom to two medium-sized humans. Two boys to be exact. I laugh at my parenting plans before I actually had to do my best every day to attempt to keep these children from injuring themselves or others. I remember saying I would never spank. I remember saying I would never yell. I remember believing I would just know what to do. So here’s the truth now, as our boys will be ages 10 and 7 this year. I spank. I yell. And I have no idea what I’m doing or how to handle most, if not all, parenting situations.

So here’s the reality today. My kids generally hate me. They want to eat junk all day long; we don’t let them. They want to eat and run; we make them eat dinner with us as a family most days. They want to pee all over the toilet seat and expect mom to clean up after them; we make them clean it up themselves. They want to stay home on Sunday mornings in their underwear and play video games; we go to church as a family. They want to get angry, scream that I am a horrible mother, and then go back to their video games; they get grounded, spanked, and don’t get video games for a week. They want to forget their manners; they lose Kindle time. They want to destroy their bedrooms and expect mom and dad to clean them up; we shut the doors until they run out of clothes and are forced to clean. They want to be rough on toys and expect mom and dad to just buy new ones; we make them work to earn their own money by doing chores and use their money to purchase replacements. They want to try dangerous stunts; we let them within reason…they learn. They want to play video games all day long; we cancel cable in the summer and only allow television time in the evenings after we’ve been outside all day long. They want to be the first to run in everywhere; we make them hold doors for others. They want to do wrong and blame others; we teach them how to accept responsibility and fix mistakes. They want to have things and favors handed to them; we teach them to work hard and help others without expecting in return. They want to goof off in school; we teach them to respect a solid education and the teachers giving it to them.

They don’t yet understand what we are trying to do…that we are just trying to help them grow into respectful and responsible young men. We don’t know what we are doing as parents, but we do know we are trying our best. Yes, I yell. Yes, I allow anger to control my parenting from time to time. Yes, I will spank our children if the situation warrants it. No, I do not know if what we are doing is working. I believe my roll is to parent and pray; that’s it.

A woman once said to me, “Free will trumps good parenting every day.” This is so true. And honestly, it makes me feel so much better. I will do my best as their mother. I will raise them in a Christian environment with the knowledge that we respect and love others, we treat women with gentleness and admiration, and we share responsibilities in the home. We work for what we get in life and we do not expect handouts. We believe in education and using passions and God-given talents to help others. So at the end of the day, our kids still have to choose. They still have to make their own choices. We can’t be there always to be sure they are following through with what we are teaching. Free will trumps good parenting.

Parent and pray. That’s what I’ll keep doing every day. It’s worth it. I just pray we are doing right by them. Parent and pray.

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Like Jeremy and Bailey on Facebook to learn more about our story and daily life. We are Christian advocates for mental health and Jeremy has survived multiple suicide attempts and lives with severe depression. We run a support group, Anchoring Hope, in Cozad, Nebraska for those suffering from mental illness or supporting a loved one. Be sure to check out our website at www.jeremyandbailey.com to find more and even link to purchase our book, “Never Alone: A Husband and Wife’s Journey with Depression and Faith.”

Forgiving After an Apology You Never Received

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It’s a fine line – apologizing and forgiving versus ignoring. But I’m willing to bet I’m not the only one who struggles with this.

As a Christian, I know the importance of forgiveness. Trust me; I know. I’ve learned that my inability to forgive some only makes life worse for me. I’ve learned my inability to forgive hurts nobody but myself. I’ve learned this. I get it.

But my knowledge of the importance of forgiveness doesn’t make forgiving someone after an apology I never received any easier. Especially when the hurts just continue. Especially when nothing has changed. And especially when those I love continue to be hurt.

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I struggle with this. I have never been good at ignoring problems. I’d rather address them head on. I was taught this concept growing up. And you know what? It works. You say things rather than holding them in and allowing them to eat at you. You get hurts out, and you begin to heal. But most importantly, you help those who hurt you grow too. We all need a little help sometimes. How can you fix something you truly don’t know needs fixed? How do you wholeheartedly apologize for a hurt you didn’t know you caused? That’s why I believe in honesty rather than ignoring.

But I get it, not everyone is comfortable with this honesty thing. So at what point do you just ignore? At what point do you just learn to forgive and accept someone as they are – even if they continue hurting you and those you love?

This is my struggle. Because even after complete openness and honesty, some just refuse to change. Some just refuse to accept the fact that they have hurt, and continue to hurt, others. Some refuse to accept help.

It’s really hard. It’s hard to understand the importance of forgiveness while also understanding the importance of no longer allowing the same harmful behaviors to continue day after day. Does ignoring make anything better? Does it help anyone? Am I even capable of forgiving someone who refuses to accept any wrongdoing and continues to hurt myself and those I love? Should I be expected to when the hurt just doesn’t stop? Right now, I can’t say I have the answer. But I can say I’m constantly praying for clarity with my role.

I’m trying. I’m praying for the ability to forgive after an apology I never received, but right now I’m not sure I can. I pray for God’s strength and knowledge to flood me, even to change my heart if that’s what needs to happen. I just don’t know right now. So for now, I’ll hold onto my cross and I’ll talk it out with my person, my husband, Jeremy. Clarity will come in time.

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Follow our journey on Facebook at Jeremy & Bailey Koch: Anchoring Hope for Mental Health Ministry. Visit our website at www.jeremyandbailey.com to learn more about us and purchase our book, “Never Alone: A Husband and Wife’s Journey with Depression and Faith” in eBook or paperback.

Secret to a Healthy Marriage? Playing and More.

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Well, I guess I can just stop typing. I already gave away the secret. But I guess I could tell you why I believe this is true. Remember, I’m a blogger; I’m not a journalist bound to report facts. I report opinion. And my opinion is this…

The secret to a healthy marriage is the ability to play with each other (take that however you want), to laugh with each other, to stay immature sometimes, and to find the humor in the horrible.

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This is my hubby and me this evening, and this is the post I put on our Facebook page. This is us, folks. Take it or leave it. And this is why we are okay even though a big part of our lives involves walking through Hell on Earth. Today, we bit the bullet and bought a dual reclining loveseat from our local Furniture Mart here in our favorite hometown of Cozad, Nebraska. Why? Because we didn’t like being far apart from each other (you know…like 10 feet) in our separate recliners every evening.

The bottom line is we don’t like to be apart. We like to mess with each other and share funny stories. We like to find jokes on the Internet and immediately share to invoke gut-hurting laughter. It’s a goal. And it’s a good one…one we fully believe keeps our relationship healthy. We are business owners and often (like always) work late into the evening on ordering, inventory updates, advertising, etc. It’s a heck of a lot easier to work well together if we are right next to each other. So this will be fun, right? Right.

So while I’m not telling you the secret is to buy a dual recliner, I am telling you it really has brought a lot to my attention about what makes our marriage healthy (in our view). So I’m gonna make you a list. Why? Because I’ve learned in my blogging world that humans like lists. Lists get attention and I may be able to help some realize you just may be taking your relationship and life in general way too seriously. So fine, I’ll make you a list.

Now remember, Jeremy’s and my relationship has been anything but easy. We’ve certainly had our ups and downs, but we have found the humor in the horrible. Jeremy was diagnosed with severe depression in 2009 and has survived multiple suicide attempts, medication failures, inpatient mental health hospital stays, and a near-death car accident. We’ve been through a lot together and we’ve learned not to take each other for granted, so that is the main reason we still like each other; we know what life looks like without each other. I was a single parent for many years; Jeremy was here, but he also wasn’t. Physically he was here, but mentally he was gone. Her View From Home made a wonderful video of us telling our story, just so you know where we are coming from.

Our website is www.jeremyandbailey.com and you can go there to learn more about our whole story and even purchase our book in eBook on Amazon or in paperback directly from us. “Never Alone: A Husband and Wife’s Journey with Depression and Faith” was officially published in 2015 and is our whole reality. We share because we have a lot to thank God for, especially for keeping Jeremy here on this Earth with us after so many times of depression telling him otherwise. We are survivors. Together we refuse to let depression win.

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“#projectsemicolon is a global, nonprofit movement dedicated to presenting hope and love for those who are struggling with mental illness, suicide, addiction, and self-injury.” – http://www.projectsemicolon.org. A semicolon represents a place in a sentence when a writer could have chosen to end the sentence, but chose instead to continue it. God placed Himself so strongly in front of Jeremy during suicide attempts that Jeremy ultimately decided to live. In thanks to Him, these are our matching tattoos designed by Jeremy.

So now you know what we have fought, and continue to fight, as mental illness doesn’t just disappear. We either learn to laugh and deal with life, or we cry, curl up in a ball, and live in a world of lies. We’ve done the second, and it doesn’t work. Somewhere during the trip down that road, somebody cracks. If you don’t grow together, you don’t grow at all. So in marriage you learn to embrace the good, deal with the bad, and find hope in everything…all together as one. United. Marriage take three.

So here is our list for a healthy marriage for you. This is what we have figured out. This is why we are okay, more than okay. This is why we are happy. This is why we are still together even though mental illness wants only to make us miserable.

  1. Fight for each other.

    We all have challenges that come in so many forms. Mental illness is ours. Yours may be financial, parenting, blended family troubles, etc. It. Doesn’t. Matter. Deal with it…together. Counseling is good. Counseling has saved us over and over.But you have to learn you are both dealing with issues because of challenges. You both deserve to be heard, to be respected, and to heal. Just do it together and don’t allow your challenges to tear to you apart. Be honest. Be open.

  2. Talk.

    Tell the truth…the whole truth. Jeremy lived because he wrote me a suicide note. It was going to be the end of him, but something happened he didn’t expect. He healed while he shared. For the first time, he was completely honest with me. I could have freaked out learning the truth of Jeremy’s suicidal thoughts, but I didn’t. Why? That was God and only God. He gave me strength to know Jeremy needed my full support. Talk everything over together. You are put on this Earth together for a reason. Who do you trust more in the world? I hope it’s him (or her). Your “person” is your spouse. Your God is your God.

  3. Put God first and spouse second…children third.

    Yep. By far the hardest one, but also the most important. Think of the best gift you could possibly give your children. Got it? I pray it’s the chance to truly understand faith and love by seeing the example every day. Enough said.

  4. Play.

    You knew I was going to get to it. Because, yes, I believe this is key to keeping our marriage healthy and vibrant. We have not stopped dating each other. We crack jokes. We find time to play, even if it is a trip to Menards. Do you know how much fun you can have with items in Menards? Sure, some may look at you like you are crazy. But I’d much rather be looked at as crazy than completely unaware of my husband’s needs and desires. We love to play. We love to share jokes and laugh.

    Just yesterday, I brought home a sign for Jeremy for our sign wall that says, “Embrace the crazy.” We laughed so hard because Jeremy literally got out of our favorite mental health hospital, Richard Young in Kearney, Nebraska, a couple weeks ago. We know how the world wants to see us sometimes. A medication failure caused Jeremy to believe he was God, I was God, water was the reason we were together as a couple (you know, because I like to do dishes and he likes to do laundry and they have water in common) and unicorns and rainbows were everywhere. Jeremy lost his collective mind for a while until our favorite professionals straightened out his medications again. We can either laugh about it or be bitter. We choose laughter.
    Then I came home yesterday and Jeremy had bought me this sign.

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    Lol. That’s funny right there. It’s a sign that’s funny, and it also shows his respect for me as an equal partner in this house.

    And tonight, our son (a third grader) had a little girl clearly flirting with him, so I text my husband to tell him. And this is what our conversation turned into…

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    Give and take, right? Lol. Jeremy was too shy to ask me out when we were in high school, so I did it. And he still hasn’t lived it down almost 16 years later. But in all fairness, he did ask me to marry him. 😉 And that leads me to my next point…

  5. Share words of affection.

    Knowing your spouse still loves you, appreciates you, and even still thinks you’re hot never gets old. In that text, I told Jeremy I would say yes again. Knowing everything we were going to deal with, every challenge we would be handed, I still wouldn’t change a thing. Jeremy needs, and deserves, to know that. And I deserve to know Jeremy doesn’t think I’m only here to cook him food and clean his dishes. He sees me as an equal and makes it clear, especially since he does all the laundry! And again…that goes to the next point.

  6. Share responsibililities.

    I do the dishes and cleaning for the most part. He does the laundry for the most part. We both talk about how we will discipline, or more so how we will try (key word) to go toward proactive positive reinforcement before having to discipline. We do it all together. Kids will try (this may be a shocker) to separate you so they get their way. Be proactive. Talk and share responsibilities. Show your kids, and the world, that you have respect for one another and that you are in this together. Life will be a lot easier.

  7. Pray together.

    This changed our world. It changed our relationship. It changed everything. I know it can feel uncomfortable at first. But just trust me (well, technically trust Him). In bed at night, hold hands and pray. We learned fears, anxieties, desires, and so much more. We learned to pray for each other, for our marriage, our kids, and our families. We learned to be here for Him first, for us second, for our kids third, and for our mission, work, and families after.

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We also work together while we play. So I’ll leave you with this. That’s Jeremy driving the fun loader while I got stuck with the rake; he doesn’t live that down either. It’s all fun and games kids. Be happy. Enjoy marriage. It’s a pretty awesome gig. ~ Bailey

www.jeremyandbailey.com

https://www.facebook.com/jeremyandbaileykoch/

 

 

What does an “Anchoring Hope” support group meeting consist of?

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The “Anchoring Hope” support group of Cozad began in January of 2016. For the very first meeting, we had four people (including Jeremy and I). Steadily over the weeks of meetings, more and more people have joined our discussions. So now, the most common questions we are asked include:

“Who attends Anchoring Hope?”
“Is Anchoring Hope the right place for me?”
“What does an Anchoring Hope support group meeting consist of?”
“Is there a charge to attend Anchoring Hope?
“How do I stay up-to-date on meetings and any changes for Anchoring Hope?”

So I’ll start to answer your questions by telling you a bit about us. Jeremy and I (Bailey) have been together for over 15 years and have been through a lot…like A LOT. In 2009, Jeremy was diagnosed with severe depression. Since then, he has survived five suicide attempts, multiple medication failures causing him to be hospitalized in Richard Young Hospital (an inpatient mental health facility in Kearney) three times, and a near-death car accident. We have learned to find humor in our reality. Why? We tried it the other way and it didn’t work. We have learned to embrace the crazy (Haha…get it? Cause society would love to believe Jeremy’s just crazy rather than having a legitimate brain disability?). And most importantly, we have learned that we are still here on this earth together for a reason – to help others who struggle to understand mental illness the way we once did. We share our reality to help you; God has made it very clear to us that we have work to do in order to help you understand you are never alone.

Anyone is welcome to join us at Anchoring Hope. We meet every Monday evening from 6:30 to 7:30 at United Way in Cozad, 105 East Highway 30 (the train station).

Why be silent? We all have a reality.

Now let’s officially answer your questions:

“Who attends Anchoring Hope?”

At Anchoring Hope, you can find those who struggle with mental illness themselves, others who support loved ones struggling, some who just want to understand mental illness on a deeper level, and ones whom are suffering from the loss of a loved one to suicide. We often have individuals who visit from the healthcare field in order to get a better view of how to help their patients with mental illness and we welcome them in to our discussions as well. We have some whom have struggled with alcohol, drug abuse, or self-harm because of many of life’s difficulties, from mental illness to hardships. In short, all are welcome and none are exempt.

“Is Anchoring Hope the right place for me?”

From depression, bi-polar disorder, and schizophrenia to alcoholism, grief, and the quest for understanding, you have a seat at Anchoring Hope.

“What does an Anchoring Hope support group meeting consist of?”

When you attend an Anchoring Hope meeting, you’ll be greeted by Jeremy and/or Bailey. While we try to both attend weekly, sometimes life happens, but you’ll at least get one of us. The most important thing to understand is that Anchoring Hope is literally just a place to get together and talk. We usually start by sharing a little bit about ourselves. For example, I would share that I am Jeremy’s primary support person and I also struggle with control issues and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) as well as Celiac Disease. Jeremy would share that he is diagnosed with severe depression, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), sleep apnea, and Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) and has survived multiple suicide attempts, hospitalizations, and (this just in) a paranoid schizophrenia episode. But remember Jeremy and I have grown very comfortable with sharing our reality; we also remember what it was like to not be so comfortable with it. You only have to share what you are comfortable sharing. You do not have to say a word if you are first just wanting to take it all in. In time, your comfort level with adjust. You will learn to understand we have a safe and nonjudgmental environment at Anchoring Hope. You will learn to understand your feelings, experiences, diagnoses, etc. are all very real and very okay. You will learn to be open, but it takes time. We will never push you to share anything and we will never share your name or information with anyone. Trust is key at Anchoring Hope. We just talk. As conversations continue, it’s always easy to tell who needs to talk more that week. At the end of the hour, we share what we are most looking forward to that week. It’s important to end on a positive note, and I never let that one slide. There is always, Always, ALWAYS something to be thankful for…something good.

“Is there a charge to attend Anchoring Hope?”

No. Jeremy and I began this mission out of a desire to help others who may be struggling the way we once did. I wouldn’t pay to talk about stuff I used to not want to talk about. Why should you? Additionally, we are extremely blessed by United Way as they have allowed us their facility to use as a meeting place weekly free of charge. We meet because we care about you, plain and simple.

“How do I stay up-to-date on meetings and any changes for Anchoring Hope?”

Like our Facebook pages. I’m much better at putting everything on “Jeremy & Bailey Koch: Anchoring Hope for Mental Health Ministry” than anywhere else. Also like “Anchoring Hope” specifically for group information. If we have to cancel a meeting due to weather or any other reason, you’ll find that info on both of those pages. But you can pretty much count on the fact that we will meet every Monday evening from 6:30 to 7:30 in Cozad at United Way. Join us.

You can find more information about us on our website at www.jeremyandbailey.com. On that site, you can also link to purchase our book, “Never Alone: A Husband and Wife’s Journey with Depression and Faith,” in eBook on Amazon or in paperback directly from us. Follow our blog here at www.jeremyandbaileyblog.com. I write randomly and about whatever I want so I hope you enjoy it; it’s my own therapy.

We would love to welcome you to our Anchoring Hope meetings. As always, please do not hesitate to message us on Facebook or email us at jeremyandbaileykoch@yahoo.com if you have any questions at all. Remember, Anchoring Hope meets every Monday from 6:30 to 7:30 at United Way in Cozad, 105 East Highway 30 (the train station).

Finding the Culprit: Food Allergies and Infections

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Well today was full of great information, most completely unwanted, but still great information.

For 31 years, 32 next month, I’ve dealt with a lot of intestinal issues. Flare-ups would come and go, and I just kind of adjusted to life with near-constant tummy troubles. However, this last time Jeremy had to be in three different hospitals in two weeks was enough stress to send my system into complete freak-out mode. Essentially, it started with a nasty cold that turned into a nasty sinus and ear infection. From there, I started some antibiotics, and while those infections improved, my intestinal issues worsened. To this day, my issues continue to worsen. But it appears I am on the way to healing.

A couple weeks ago, my doctors performed a scope and officially diagnosed me with gastritis. During that time, they also took a sample to check for bacteria. But then my doctor went on vacation. They instructed me to call if my symptoms worsened before I see him for my follow-up this Friday. So today, I made a trip after my allergy appointments.

But let’s back up a bit. SOMETHING causes gastritis, and food allergies/intolerances were suspected. Our oldest son suffers from food allergies too and he needed a follow up appointment; so today, Hudson and mommy had a date with the allergy doctors.

If you can’t tell, we have some allergies. Hudson is highly allergic to milk and corn (which we’ve known for a long time but had allowed him some in his diet in order to minimize the chance of reaction if any gets in his system…our method failed miserably). So Hudson’s allergy symptoms have continued to get worse and testing today confirmed why. He can have no milk…none. We had hoped he was growing out of it. Again, nope. Sorry buddy.

On the bright side, however, Hudson thought it was pretty cool mommy had to go through the testing this time too. While I’m not allergic to milk, I do have a severe intolerance to it, especially with my intestinal issues right now. So no milk for mommy either. However, most interesting for mommy, and terrifying, is the fact that I came back as extremely allergic to yeast. You guessed it…Celiac Disease. A blood test may or may not confirm (as the blood tests are highly inaccurate), but they sent off my blood anyway because of the large connection between yeast allergy and gluten issues. Even if it does come back negative, I’m to stay completely gluten free.

It’s quite overwhelming. But it’s also exciting. I think back to certain things I have eaten and immediately have had issues; those memories always seem to have one or two connections…gluten and dairy. But I also must say this…gluten free is not a fad as I once believed. Celiac Disease and gluten intolerance are real and miserable. I’m willing to do anything to no longer feel like this.

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Very thankful for our local grocery store, Sonny’s in Cozad. Walking the aisles with tears in my eyes and they stop me to tell me where everything is for gluten free as well as let me know they can get special items in for me if I ask them to.

 

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And thanks, Cheerios. There’s just something comforting about a bowl of gluten free cheerios with soy milk. Happy Bailey.

But there’s more to why I feel miserable lately. After those allergy tests and results, Hudson and I went out to eat. Immediate issues. EVERYTHING I eat lately gives me immediate problems. I was sick of it, and my doctor said to call if symptoms get worse. So I went to Urgent Care to see my friend and doctor, and she took care of me. It makes sense that my symptoms got worse. She spoke to my doctor, who just got back from vacation, and I am filled with infection…colitis in addition to my gastritis and possibly enteritis. That’s a lot of itis. They are doing even more testing, but they are putting me immediately on strong antibiotics to get these infections gone. So antibiotics and probiotics it is for me in addition to completely adjusting my diet. I hope to start feeling better soon. Crazy thing is this is even affecting my eyesight (lots of floaters in my vision), and that’s a huge indicator of infection too.

Basically, I’m a mess, but at least we have answers. I feel like crap, but I’ll get better. I’ve been dealing with this stuff for a long time; it’s just been a heck of a lot worse these last six weeks. I’m over it…ready to feel human again. Next steps are likely colonoscopy to keep diagnosing everything correctly and more specific bacteria tests.

As always, we share because we know many other people struggle with similar issues. So please feel free to share advice or tips if you have any. I’ll gladly accept any tips! I’ll especially accept prayers! Thanks, friends!

~ Bailey

An Overwhelming Truth: Food Allergy Diagnoses

/ Anchoring Hope for Mental Health / 1 Comment

So the last month has been pretty horrible concerning stomach pain and intestinal issues in this family. We know what caused Jeremy’s and how to heal him, so now it appears it’s my turn. I have dealt with pretty severe stomach issues my entire life. But the stress of Jeremy being in the hospitals last month was enough to throw my system into complete meltdown-mode. So it was time to do something.

A simple stomach scope procedure immediately revealed results, so it was nice to know we didn’t need to go further to look into the problem. At least not right now. Last week, I was officially diagnosed with gastritis. Basically, it’s severe inflammation of the lining of the stomach. My stomach gets very angry and is extremely sensitive. We have to plan trips around bathrooms and I have always had to be very careful of what I eat when we will not be at or around home. It gets annoying, and I’m kind of done dealing with it.

But yesterday, my world took another turn. Essentially, gastritis is caused by something. There is something constantly in my diet that is causing the severe inflammation. Now we have to figure out what it is. While I will go on Monday for official testing, we are pretty certain at this point (based on other tests and food trials) that I am both gluten and dairy intolerant. If you didn’t know – gluten and milk are in A LOT of foods.

So yesterday, I cried. It may sound silly, but I was completely overwhelmed with this news. One part of me was angry with myself for not having tried to figure this all out a long time ago; I could have saved myself and my family an awful lot of grief. Another part of me was scared of what family members and friends will think. Will they think I’m rude if I respectfully decline dinner invitations or attempt to politely ask what will be served so I can bring my own food if necessary? Is that even okay? I used to think gluten intolerance was just a fad for a lifestyle adjustment; will my family and friends think I’m making this up? Why am I worried about what others think of my intestinal issues?

I know living with food allergies is doable. Thank God for my friend, Tasia. I text her immediately when we found out this is a pretty strong likelihood. Her family has been dairy, gluten, and egg free for years because of Celiac Disease, especially in her boys. She’s basically a clean-eating rock star. So talking to her made me have more confidence. I also know quite a bit about milk allergies since we found out a few years ago our oldest is allergic to milk. I’m pretty awesome at reading labels. But even with that, after a while we started getting more relaxed with allowing Hudson to have some milk in his diet. However, recently his symptoms have really taken off in the wrong direction, so that will be changing again right along with mommy’s new way of living. It seems elimination is the only way Hudson and I will be able to get any relief from the intestinal issues we are suffering from. I hate taking medications long term; so if we can control this with diet, that’s the way we will go.

Monday, we go in for official food allergy testing. Hudson will be re-tested, and mommy gets to have the testing done for the first time. We are confident we know what results will be based on other tests, but there’s still a chance we could have more or fewer allergies than we think. And on the bright side, I have been really careful this weekend, only having certain things every now and then to see how my body reacts. And guess what? I feel really good. When you notice the absence of stomach pain more than actual stomach pain, you’ve been living with something you shouldn’t have to live with for too long. So that’s where I’m at. A short time ago, however, I had some sour cream with chips and salsa. That did not go well. My body immediately became very angry with me. So I am positive I have the milk allergy my son has; and I’ve known that for a long time. I just kept eating it because I like it. Smart, right? I know. And gluten. Oh man gluten is yummy stuff too. But I’m quickly learning my lesson there too based upon an elimination diet.

So that’s where I’m at. I’m overwhelmed but also glad to know healing will happen. My husband is such an inspiration for this stuff. He lives with depression and he fights it. We do everything we can to help his health improve. I’ve kind of ignored and neglected my own for quite a while now through nobody’s fault but my own.

I’ll know more after Monday morning, and I’m really glad of that. There may be more in my diet I shouldn’t be eating that may be causing my gastritis to flare up. Knowledge is power. Clean eating is good. I’m on my way to health.

If you would, friends, please send up some prayers for Monday’s appointments to bring even more clarity with this overwhelming gluten and dairy information. And also, I’m sharing because I would gladly accept any advice any of you have if you suffer from these types of food allergies. So please share with me. I’m an open book and am having to really dig into my research skills right now.

Thanks so much. ~Bailey

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I’m solar powered and today is beautiful. Sunshine heals. 😉

 

Learning to Live for Others

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I’ve learned sometimes we have to suffer. Sometimes we have to truly believe there is no hope. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom.

I do not know who said, “Out of the ashes we rise.” But now, I understand it completely. For years, I prayed God would just take Jeremy. I prayed He would allow him an escape from the misery he lived in caused by his severe depression and suicidal thoughts and attempts. After I truly began to understand the reality of Jeremy’s brain, God gave me more strength than I could have ever imagined possible. I came to the conclusion, and total understanding, that I had zero control over the possiblity that Jeremy may take his life. I received the strength to know that I would be okay; I would become a single mom and I would raise our boys by myself with the help of family and friends. I would never remarry. Why? Because there was no way, no conceivable way, any man could love me as Jeremy did. There was no way I could give myself in that way to another man. Jeremy was my soul mate. I said till death do us part and I meant it, both of us.

Yes, I had to embrace this truth and this reality. And I still do. I do not have any control over my husband’s brain. I cannot be where his hope of healing lies. Hope lies far beyond me, but it took us many years to understand.

True hope lies in Christ. True hope lies in understanding that God will take what was meant to be evil and He will use it for His good. True hope lies in learning to live for others.

I could tell you our whole story again, but I’m not going to today. Today, I’m going to tell you to read more of our story in past posts (I will place links at the bottom of this post). From suicidal thoughts to attempts. From a medication failure resulting in a blackout at the wheel of a truck going 60 mph straight into a semi on the highway to a medication failure resulting is paranoid schizophrenia. From believing all hope was lost to learning God’s plan was so much better than we ever could have dreamed. Our story is worth hearing; I promise you. It’s true. It’s real. It’s raw. It’s full of self-destruction and power struggles. But most importantly, our story is full of hope for healing and two people who God placed together with a strong love and for a beautiful purpose. Jeremy and I are learning to live for others; we are learning to take our experiences to never shut up.

So today. Today, I focus on hope. Today, I tell you to go back and read our story. Today, I tell you to truly let it sink in and relate it to your own life. In some way, we are connected. In some way, our story will help you. I know this because God put it on my heart to write this. My therapy is writing; He heals me as I type, as I release the truth about our reality. But my husband’s therapy is different, yet the same. Jeremy’s therapy comes in being open, in sharing his experiences to help others.

We discovered it in a suicide note Jeremy left me in 2012. He had every intention of ending his life for good that night. He opened my laptop and typed in our book, “Never Alone: A Husband and Wife’s Journey with Depression and Faith.” He typed this…

I can’t do it anymore. I live with this day in and day out and I don’t know what to do. This is what goes through my mind and I can’t stop it. I changed my career. I can’t stop it. I love my wife and my kids. I can’t stop it. I have an amazing life. I can’t stop it. Is my roof high enough? What if I jump off? Would it kill me fast enough? I don’t want to be paralyzed and make Bailey take care of me for the rest of her life. What if I lit the garage on fire? Would they find me? And what if Bailey really knew about the other times? The time I put the bag over my head…that felt weird. But grandma showed up just in time and I put it away. Then there was the time I locked myself in the garage with the diesel loader running…the exhaust burned my lungs. But God entered my mind and I began saying a prayer. I jumped off the loader and hit the garage door opener with such force I could feel the pain come out my fingers. I rushed into the open air and gasped, God had saved me again. But why? Why does He keep saving me? But this is it.

I love you with all my heart.

I just don’t understand this.

Have them find me in the garage, please don’t come in there.

Love, Me.

Powerful, right? It’s powerful because it’s real. These words are straight from Jeremy and straight from our book. Who can we help if we aren’t open? Both fortunately and unfortunately, I found this note before I found that God had saved Jeremy’s life yet again. After moments of terror and panic, I tripped over a pile of laundry in our home and found Jeremy sleeping on the couch. We embraced and we made a commitment that night. We were done living in this fear. Something was going to change. And you know what? It did.

We began learning to share in an effort to help others. Jeremy writing that note brought him out of his severe suicidal thoughts. It was word vomit. It came out and he was better. For the first time, Jeremy told me the truth and no longer took his whole reality on himself. He learned he was not alone and that many others suffered just like he did. It took us three years after that night to finish writing and publish our book. Setbacks happened, as they continue to today due to this little thing called life. We began writing and sharing. And you know what? We began healing.

Watch our interview with Her View From Home here and learn more about our back story.

And last night, we learned yet again why we have been through what we have. After years of figuring out our mission and purpose, we began a support group, Anchoring Hope, in Cozad, Nebraska for anyone suffering from mental illness, supporting a loved one suffering, mourning a loss from suicide, or even just needing to understand the reality of mental illness on a deeper level. The following are words from a Facebook post I wrote last night on our Jeremy & Bailey Koch: Anchoring Hope for Mental Illness page.

“I have both a praise and a prayer request to share with you. This evening, during our Anchoring Hope support group, one individual whom has attended three times felt comfortable sharing with us that she is having horrible suicidal thoughts, is not eating, and generally is feeling unsafe in her own body and going home alone tonight after group would end. We are so very proud of her for sharing, and especially for accepting help. Jeremy and two others in the group are currently on their way to take this individual to get help. And Jeremy is in the role of the support person. That’s huge. She understands she is not alone because Jeremy is with her and has been there.

Support. No blame. Accepting the good God is placing in your life. Understanding mental illness is not your fault. This woman graciously accepted help and got in the car. So. Very. Proud. So humbled. So thankful. I’m so overwhelmed with feelings of gratitude that God used this group to get one of His children help tonight. Please praise God and pray for her as she fights with the help of many helping her to stay safe. God bless you all and praise God!”

Jeremy and I, when we began sharing, made a commitment to each other to give this our whole hearts. We knew God wanted to use us because this verse kept popping up everywhere…

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.” Genesis 50:20

Jeremy knew God had chosen him to suffer in order to help others. He believed, for the first time, that there was hope for healing, that living with this beast was possible. Jeremy would begin learning how to truly live, not just stay alive. We began learning how to live for others, and it has saved our lives over and over in multiple ways. In learning how to submit to God’s will, find good in this evil, and share our whole reality, we have begun healing ourselves. The power that comes in seeing others heal and accept help because of our story and now through our support group is immeasurable. It’s humbling. It’s beautiful. It’s what life is about. It’s God’s work; we are solely a method for Him to help others see Him and we feel beyond honored and blessed.

Depression, suicide, and suffering from a complete loss of hope are the best things that have ever happened to us. They are what led us to begin learning how to live for others. They are what led us to our faith. What was once believed to be a horrible fate in life became an enormous blessing.

“To all who mourn in Israel, He will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for His own glory.” Isaiah 61:3

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Below is our brochure for our Anchoring Hope ministry, especially our support group that meets Monday evenings from 6:30 to 7:30 at United Way in Cozad, Nebraska.

Follow us on Facebook for our daily journey.

Visit our website to learn more about our story and link to purchase our book in paperback or eBook format.

Hold on to the Cross

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We’ve been through a lot…so have you. None of us are exempt from pain in this world. Nobody’s pain is worse than another’s. None of us have any idea of what pain another person goes through.

A person I love once told me faith is a crutch, that it’s just something people turn to when they have nowhere else to turn, when they aren’t strong enough to handle life on their own. Another person told me I’m blind, that no God would allow drug problems and suffering. Yet another told me I’m wasting my time, that believing in something I can’t see is such a waste of my time on this earth…that I should focus on “more important” things.

It’s amazing the armor you can receive to be able to stand your ground for your beliefs even when life just seems to keep trying to beat you down. While I remember these comments, the lack of ability that some have to have a relationship with God at this point in their faith journeys is only fuel for my fire…for my mission.

I once heard a quote, and I’m not sure who to give the credit to. But essentially, this person said, “If I’m wrong about God, then I’ve wasted my life on Earth. But if you’re wrong…you’ve wasted your eternity.”

So when I hear that others don’t believe, when someone wants to stand in my faith path, I pray for them. It’s as simple as that. I hold on to my cross. I stand my ground with my armor of God strong and shiny. I don’t apologize for my beliefs. I won’t be sorry for trying my hardest every single day to live my faith, to share my God, and to be a good example of Christianity. After all, my purpose is to end up in eternity with all of you.

You see, there are a lot of people in my life whom have put their faith in the hands of other Christians as opposed to allowing God to guide their  journeys. And I get it; sometimes it’s hard to find the light through the darkness. Opening our eyes to His grace, especially when we are so confused by the darkness, is the hardest lesson I’ve ever had to learn. If we believe in good, we also believe in evil. Think about it. Is God the one who causes pain and suffering? Is God the One who gave us cancer, depression, medical issues, financial difficulties, slavery, racism, natural disasters…? I don’t believe He did. God is the One giving us the doctors, the medications, the counselors, the financial advisors, the policemen, the firefighters, the armed forces, the people running toward the disaster instead of away, the people suiting up daily to put on their armor of God and fight in the name of good… God will allow bad things to happen. Yes. But only because He will bring good from them. He will bring us to Him. He will bring us right into His arms – where we belong. God wins my battle every time.

I think of ropes often. I know it’s strange, but hear me out. I once saw a demonstration of beliefs using a rope, and it really sank in.  Again, I’m not sure who to give the credit to, but I sure will as soon as I find out. So I imagine a rope. I’m holding one end of this rope with my fist. I’m hanging on for dear life and I cannot see the end of this rope. There is no end. It goes on forever. I look toward where I believe the end of the rope should be and all I can see is that the rope continues far off into an orange and yellow sunset. It’s breathtaking; it’s a Nebraska sunset (my happy place). The rope continues far beyond my human potential allows me to see; it continues into eternity. Now I slowly begin to loosen my grip and look at this tiny part of the rope I hold in my hand. This part of the rope is my time on this Earth. It is such a tiny, insignificant piece of the rope, yet I allowed it to consume me for so long. I began learning how to loosen my grip and allow Him to control this part of my life, too. He controls my eternity, and He wants control over my time here too, but this is my time to choose Him, to show Him I want Him to have the control. He’s in charge. I only have to choose to look toward my eternity, not today.

I am choosing to consume myself now with the rest of the rope. I am choosing to understand this is my time to fight, but the fight is more than worth the reward. Eternity. The rest of the rope. 

Life can be anything but fair. We haven’t been handed an easy hand in this game. God wants us to work for it, and I get it. He knows we have a strong mission to bring others to Him whom are suffering the way we once did. He knows we are strong enough to handle it because we have Him. Every time we get knocked down, every time we are attacked by the Enemy, God brings us right back up again. Why? Because we believe in Him. We believe in the power of prayer. We ask for help. We do use God as a crutch because that is what He wants us to do. We are NOT strong enough without Him; no truer words have ever been spoken.

So when life seems so hard, seems so unfair and so impossible, I HOLD ON TO MY CROSS. Literally. I have a cross that fits so perfectly in the palm of my hand. I received it as a gift from my husband, the man God gave to me to break me. The man God knew I would love so desperately that the possibility of losing him would be enough for me to fight harder and stronger in the name of Christ than I ever believed possible.

2016-01-29_10.53.22 2016-01-29_10.54.54 It may sound simple and silly. It may sound like it’s not enough. But my God is enough. And the best part? I’m enough for Him. My fight is enough. My faith is enough. My battle is enough. I am enough for Him. Christ died for me so I could live this life, so I could use my limited time on this Earth to teach others about the truth I have learned.

My God has saved my husband time and time again. He has kept my family together time and time again. Jeremy has survived severe depression, five suicide attempts, two mental health inpatient facility stays, multiple medication failures, a near-death car accident that resulted in a leg broken in four places and repaired with metal rods, a fractured pancreas, a brain bleed, a punctured lung, a hospital stay for a month, and complete colon reconstruction that has now left him with possible colon issues for life. This past summer, Jeremy survived a heart attack at the age of 33 when we found a heart defect. Today, we were released from the hospital after a four-night stay because scar tissue left from Jeremy’s colon surgeries after his accident in 2012 built up and caused a complete bowel obstruction and severe pain. Jeremy had a tube shoved up his nose, down his esophagus, and into his stomach to drain the contents and allow his body to heal. But every single time, Jeremy has fought through it. Every single time, his faith has only grown because he has felt the strength being flooded into him from the prayers of so many we love.

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God deserves our praise. He deserves to be thanked for His sacrifice. And if all we have to do is tell our story, be honest, and be a living example of the fact that God is good even when circumstances are not in order to help others come to Him, then every single thing we have been through has been more than worth it. 

I mean, honestly. We have people tell us all the time that we are helping them grow in their faith, that they accepted help in mental illness because they have found hope in Christ because of hearing our story. How much more powerful can you get than that? How can we possibly believe this wasn’t all meant to happen for His good? We heal because we are able to see so much good happening all around us. God is providing for us too while we help others.

Now I’m not sharing our troubles to tell you yours aren’t hard. I’m sharing so you can see we all have to fight. I know your life is not any easier than ours. And it’s okay to feel overwhelmed, even lost and confused. But right now, if you’re reading this, someone is trying to get your attention. I write when God puts it on my heart. He uses me to get to you, and I will allow Him. So please see Him. Please fight in His name. Please reach out for help. You are not alone.

Jeremy has to fight his depression every single day. He has to fight his health issues (and likely will for life). But it is a heck of a lot easier to fight when you are wearing the armor of God, when you learn to hold on to the cross. And if all it takes is a cross in my hand to remind me of my purpose for fighting, then I will carry that cross with me everywhere for the rest of my life on this Earth.

Hold on to the cross. Hold on for dear life. Cling to Him.
He will bring you through this.

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Click here to follow our daily journey on Facebook at Jeremy & Bailey Koch.

Click here to learn more about our story and link to our website, www.jeremyandbailey.com, to purchase our book, “Never Alone: A Husband and Wife’s Journey with Depression and Faith”, either in eBook format on Amazon or directly from us in paperback.

Click here to learn about our support group for those suffering with mental illness, supporting a loved one, or suffering from the loss of a loved one to suicide. Our support group meets Monday evenings in Cozad, Nebraska.

What Makes a Strong Man?

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I see these “relationship goals” all over the Internet. Pictures of men carrying their women or even bench-pressing them. Pictures of “the perfect date” when you come walking in to a room filled with roses and your man is some high-paid financial wonder. Well, nothing against your relationship goals, but after 15 1/2 years together with the love of my life, I can tell you my true prayer for your relationship.

I pray you find a man who loves God first and you second. I pray you find a man who loves you and his purpose so much that he will fight every single day just to be here with you on this earth. That’s it. That’s all. Relationship goals.

I sit here next to my husband in the hospital today; we’ve been here a lot. To be honest, it never gets any easier. But the reality is that we understand God is good, even when circumstances are not. We are so unbelievably blessed; we found our mission in life and we get to fight for our purpose every single day. We are Christian co-authors and motivational speakers, and our mission is to provide hope for mental health anchored in Jesus’ promise of eternal life. Why? Because we know what it feels like to not have any hope and to not understand why God allowed so much hurt.

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“Never Alone: A Husband and Wife’s Journey with Depression and Faith” was just a first step toward our mission. We began by sharing our story, our reality, struggles, fears, triumphs…truth.

Finding our mission has been far from easy. But to truly understand the truth that by sharing our reality with the world, we are helping many find hope in Christ…does it get any better than that? We don’t think so.

So here we are. Jeremy is stuck in the hospital with an NG (nasogastric) tube shoved up his nose, through his esophagus, and down into his stomach. The tube intermittently empties the contents of the stomach to allow the intestines and stomach to rest and heal. Truth be told, the tube sucks (pun intended). Jeremy’s nose and throat hurt horribly, but his stomach pain has decreased from a pain level 7 down to a 1. So the NG tube is doing its job. And this hospital stay is a direct result of a previous month hospital stay. Like I said, we’ve been here a lot.

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Jeremy’s truck after the accident in 2012.

In 2012, Jeremy was in a near-fatal car accident when his truck went head-on into a semi truck at highway speeds. Throughout the healing process, my husband underwent two flight for life helicopter rides on to larger hospitals equipped to handle his injuries, a leg severely broken in four places and repaired with metal rods, a punctured lung, brain bleed, and fractured pancreas. But the surgery causing the issues now was the complete colon reconstruction he endured. Doctors had to take his intestines apart, cut out all the bad, and piece them back together like a jigsaw puzzle. There was a lot of surgical intervention needed there. I never met anyone during that time of our lives who understood how on earth Jeremy could survive that accident…surgeons included.

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Jeremy in ICU, February 17, 2012.

We get it now.

Because you know what? This wasn’t the first of our struggles. Jeremy was diagnosed with severe depression in 2009. He has survived five suicide attempts, the near-death car accident, multiple medication failures, and a heart attack the day before he turned 33. Most importantly, Jeremy has survived to understand there is hope even when it feels all is lost, even when you are fighting your hardest against your own body just to stay alive, even when life just seems to keep beating you down to the ground.

You get the freak back up. You fight back. Because this life is worth living. Helping others who suffer to understand there is hope is an enormous push for us to keep sharing, keep healing, keep fighting. Every day.

So this is my husband right now…

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The scar tissue from his previous surgeries has built up and caused a bowel obstruction. He is in a tremendous amount of pain. His NG tube is doing its job (allowing the stomach and intestines to rest), but having a tube shoved up your nose, down your esophagus, and into your stomach is anything but pleasant. It’s especially lovely because the tube is clear and Jeremy can see the junk going out from the suction. Yummy. Perhaps you can’t see our invention in the picture? Jeremy’s tube right by his nose where his eyes can see the crud moving is now covered with a handy-dandy gum wrapper and tape. Problem solved. But no, he’s not enjoying it. No, he’s not super pumped to be going through yet another trial. Yes, he knows it’s temporary. But sometimes life just plain sucks.

The reality is we are likely not done with this fight. We are likely not done with hospital stays and surgeries to remove scar tissue and build-up. Jeremy heals; and he does it really well. He is currently over-healing. The scar tissue in his intestines has created a belt and is not allowing anything through. Over time, it will get to the point where he will need surgery again to remove that portion of his bowel. It may be now…we don’t know yet. Surgeons referred to him as the “patchwork colon man” because of how much surgery was needed to repair the damage from the accident. It’s a part of our life, and it’s not easy. Depression is a part of our life, and it’s not easy. Suicidal thoughts and attempts are a part of our life, and it’s not easy. Knee and ankle surgeries (those are me) are a part of our life, and it’s not easy. Possible complications from previous surgeries (like now) are a part of our life, and it’s not easy. Heart attacks are a part of our life, and it’s not easy.

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Yep. On July 4, 2015, Jeremy had a heart attack at age 32 and 364 days. That challenge revealed a heart spasm now controlled with daily heart medication.

Life is not easy…for anyone. We all have different challenges, different battles we are fighting. The key is to understand it is a heck of a lot easier to get through them when you accept help, accept support and prayers from those who love you, and accept the reality that God is good all the time. He will take what was meant to harm and He will make it work for His good.

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.” Genesis 50:20

This, too, shall pass. Jeremy will heal. We are so blessed to understand this is just another bump in the road. We can help so many, ourselves included. God has entrusted us with an incredible gift, with an incredible mission. We know Jesus. We have a relationship with God. We will spend eternity with our King, and we want to help as many as possible understand what we know to be true.

God is real. There is hope. You have a purpose. Life is not easy, but it is worth the fight. Healing happens. While we are here, though, we have to fight. We have to choose to see Him when surrounded by darkness. We have to fight to see the light.

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This is a strong man, ladies. This is a man who loves God so much that he fights every day to continue his mission on this earth before eternity begins. This is a man who works his butt off to provide for his family. This is a man who is allowed to struggle, allowed to need help, allowed to be angry that life isn’t easy all the time. Why? Because this is also a man who is man enough to understand he needs help. He needs God. He needs support and prayers. He needs hope…and hope he has found in Christ. THIS is strong. My relationship goals consist of this and only this. I would not change a thing.

Our struggles are what brought us to the true understanding that we are never alone. Pain and frustration are eased with trials when we learn to give everything to God, ask for prayers, and accept help.

I’ll leave you with this…

I want you to imagine a rope. You are holding one end of this rope with your fist. You are hanging on for dear life and you cannot see the end of this rope. There is no end. It goes on forever. You look toward where you believe the end of the rope should be and all you can see is that the rope continues far off into an orange and yellow sunset. It continues far beyond our human potential allows us to see…eternity. Now slowly loosen your grip and look at this tiny part of the rope you hold in your hand. This part of the rope is your time on earth. It is such a tiny, insignificant piece of the rope, yet it consumes us. Loosen your grip and allow Him to control this part of your life, too.

Choose to consume yourself with the rest of the rope. Choose to understand this is our time to fight, but the fight is more than worth the reward…eternity.

Purchase our book either in eBook format on Amazon or directly from us in paperback at www.jeremyandbailey.com. Follow our daily journey by liking Jeremy & Bailey Koch on Facebook. As always, thank you so much for your never-ending support. God bless.