I saw you in the clouds today. In the quiet of the morning, I felt your presence. And I know it was you.
I thank God every day since you left this place for the truth in knowing that He understands mental illness. God sends us little reminders of you…so we know you are okay. No different than any other death-causing illness, sometimes mental illness wins in this life, but He already won the war. And I get to see you again one day.
I know you are you again. Whole. Pure. Cheerful and bright. Free of the pains in this world. Free of mental illness.
I imagine you…the real you. I see you waving and cheering us on. I see you stunningly dressed in your best flashing a toothy grin. You are there and you are you again…and we are left here.
I’ve learned that God won’t cause pain, but He will use it for His greater purpose. And I just have to pray and know that will be the case. Because this type of pain, a world without you here, a world where suicide feels like the only answer, is just too much to bear without knowing there is a much greater purpose, a giant hope for healing to move from surviving with mental illness to living in mental health.
I want you to know that I understand now. I get that it wasn’t you. I get that mental illness made you believe that you were a burden. I know mental illness lied to you, tricked you, and held you so strongly in its grasp.
I know mental illness murdered you…you didn’t take your own life.
I want this world to understand. I want good to come from this pain. I want the world to learn the importance of separating the person from the mental illness. Give Jesus a high five for me. Can’t wait to see you again.
Love,
Me.
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~ In loving memory of all those we’ve lost to murder by mental illness, please share and help the world understand and fight this monster.
~ Written by Jeremy & Bailey Koch. Jeremy, a five-time suicide attempt survivor, has lived to explain the reality of suicidal ideations and is now over three years free of suicidal thoughts after finding faith, medications, and a mental health support system of family, friends, counselors, pastors, and more. Bailey, his wife and primary support person, stands beside him and helps him accept help and share his story. In June of 2019, at the age of 65, Jeremy’s dad was murdered by mental illness when suicide claimed his life.
~ Follow our journey on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/jeremyandbailey/. Our website is at www.jeremyandbailey.com. On social media @jeremyandbailey.
~ If you are experiencing any thoughts of ending your life, please reach out and accept help. You are loved, wanted, and so important. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Jeremy and Bailey 
love it – so touching and honest – thank you for sharing so much of your journey – the lows and the highs – Praise God For You
But I miss him so much. My quirky, wonderful son – 30 years old. Just coming into his own; a wonderful teacher and daddy. We lost so much of the last couple years as his wife hated us. He was torn. Would see us only without her. Now, she’s “all about the family”. Allows unfettered access to our grandson. After making us jump through a few counseling hoops. That’s where we learned our son had talked of suicide to her – enough times that she told him to shut up or their son would start saying that word. She “knew” he wouldn’t go to counseling.
And we have to deal with her because of our grandson. So very, very hard.
I am hardly getting through the days.
Thank you for sharing your story. My brother took his life with a shotgun on May 6th this year. Two years ago after a week long attempt my sister and I found out he had been diagnosed with severe depressive disorder 30 years ago and he never told anyone of his struggles. Also there had been 2 prior attempts. Your story and what you learned and are sharing have really touched me. I’m crying right now but it’s because you’re helping make sense to what it is he must’ve been going through. He wasn’t the kind to share feelings. It wasn’t what our family does. But you’ve helped me and i hope someone else will read this and also get some eye and understanding of what may have been going through the minds of the people we lost to suicide. I truly hope you continue on your journey of life with mental wellness the rest of your days. Thank you for sharing with us. ✌ & ❤
Thank for sharing…I am so sorry for your loss. My heart is sad for you and your family. Praying for God’s peace and mercy.
This says it so eloquently. I lost my son to suicide two years ago this month. Having used a handgun there was no hope but the hospital kept him on life support for organ donation. But in the end we couldn’t donate because of all the traveling as a soldier. He sent his wife, his sister and myself a text asking forgiveness. I knew in that moment he was gone. His mental illness was such that he couldn’t hold a job and had so much debt it was hopeless. He believed they would be better off without him. He had a son 7 years old at the time and knew the Social Security benefits would help them. He was a born again Christian and we’ll see him soon. So I feel that his act was a selfless act to help his family. He was receiving treatment for bi-polar, but went downhill very quickly. I pray for the Lord’s return for believers, our Blessed Hope in Jesus Christ. I miss him, he was 42. His son is bereft and wants his Dada. He is seeing a counselor. Thank you for sharing