I Took My Life. Please Don’t Think I’m Selfish.

*** Trigger warning requested by readers and we wholeheartedly agree. We apologize that sharing our reality can be a trigger. You are loved. ~ If you are experiencing any of the feelings described in this post, please reach out and accept help. You are loved, wanted, and so important. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.ย https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ ***

I know you’re hurting, but I’m here to say I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. In fact, my brain constantly and overwhelmingly convinced me that you are better off without me. I truly believed that I was doing you a favor. Now that I’m gone, I understand how sick I was. I get it. And I’m sorry I hurt you.

I didn’t know any better. Mental illness clouded me. It enveloped me like a thick fog and all I saw was darkness. Everywhere I turned. Darkness.

You see, even though the world will often say that I didn’t consider my friends and family at all, that I was so selfish, you were actually the only thing on my mind. I understand now how mental illness works. And just so you know, God understands it too. He’s here with me…or I’m here with Him. However you want to look at it. It’s cool. I’m good. 

I was in so much pain on earth. I just knew. I knew how much of a burden I was to you. I knew your life would be beautiful if only you didn’t have to worry about my problems. Yes, you tried to convince me otherwise. And I love you so much for that. I love how hard you tried. And I know you loved me fiercely on earth; I see that now. I saw it then too, but my mental illness didn’t let me care. Sometimes I wanted to, but here’s the thing…I was really good at hiding the pain. I just didn’t want you to have to worry, and I didn’t understand I was doing more harm by not being honest…by not accepting the help you tried to give. Mental illness just wouldn’t let me; it held me so strongly in its grasp. So you need to know one thing.

This was not your fault.

Truth be told, it wasn’t my fault either. Mental illness won in that life, but it didn’t win in the life I’m in now. It is a disease…not unlike other diseases that cause death. I’m in no pain. It’s beautiful here. I’m okay.

I did take my own life, but please know I wasn’t trying to be selfish. The pain was intense, but not for myself. The pain I felt for you, for the pain I truly believed I was causing you, was unbearable. I love you now. I loved you then. I’m excited to see you soon. I’m here.

All my love,

Me.

~ Written by Jeremy & Bailey Koch. Jeremy, a five-time suicide attempt survivor, has lived to explain the reality of suicidal ideations. Bailey, his wife and primary support person, stands beside him and helps him accept help and share his story. This post was written based upon a suicide note Jeremy left for Bailey in 2012. As of today, Jeremy is nearly 3 years free of suicidal thoughts. Healing happens. Hold onto hope.

~ If you are experiencing any of the feelings described in this post, please reach out and accept help. You are loved, wanted, and so important. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

~ Follow our journey on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/jeremyandbailey/. Our website is at www.jeremyandbailey.com. On social media @jeremyandbailey.

146 thoughts on “I Took My Life. Please Don’t Think I’m Selfish.

  1. I’ve felt this way my whole life. Everyone would be happier and better off if I wasn’t here. Mom didn’t want me, told me she thought about aborting me. Dad wanted a boy. Always felt his disappointment about it.

    • please reach out for help. Life can be beautiful if we get the help we so desperately need. Much love and blessings to you, youโ€™re not alone.

    • Your parents had their own mental health problems. They are not your problems. You shine in your own way. Make your own happiness if you can. Get help through the darkness. You are someone’s Angel in their need as they are yours.

    • I don’t know your name,but that gave me chills… please know I will always hope and pray that you are doing well here on Earth..by no means would I be happier if you were gone. You may feel like this… And they may have been unable to appreciate your purpose on Earth, But you’re perfect just as you were created,and God made you with a purpose in mind….

    • I’m so proud of you for fighting these thoughts your whole life and not taking your life as a result. Thank you for being alive!

      I hate hearing that those things were said to you. God wants you to be here. He has a plan for your life, that’s why nothing could stop you from being here. Please don’t think that no one wants you or loves you. That’s a lie. The devil wants you dead. He’s a liar. God wants you alive. I’m glad you reached out and said something. There are very many good reasons that you’re here! Don’t accept the lies of the devil. He tried to use your parents words against you and now he’s trying to use “you” against you. Don’t fall for it. It’s all a big lie and a plan to destroy you. You must be awfully valuable if the devil wants you dead this badly! i wonder what is so special about you? It sounds to me like you’re on a wonderful journey toward something really great that’s going to help a lot of people. I would love to know what amazing thing you’ve got down inside of you that is meant to help so many people. You have so much to live for. I wish you could see how huge the plan is for you to succeed. I can tell because of how huge the plan is for you to fail. You’re supposed to live. That’s how the story ends. You live.

    • There is a Creator that chose to create you. Not for your parents, not for anyone else but for you to find your place to shine your gifts here and be loved by Him. Never doubt your worth. The same creator that made the sun and moon saw it fit to create a YOU. You are loved.

    • Dont ever feel that way .. The one person who loves herself is u and u can go a long way with that honey im facing cancer so many times i wanted to give up so many has left me since i been sick u know the ones who say if u need anything . well i almost just said hell with it but i realized i may not be loved by many but i do love myself to keep trying .. And im still here fighting the fight .

      • I cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel anymore. The sadness and pain is overwhelming. No matter how hard I try life just gets worse.

    • I don’t know you, anonymous, but am thankful you took the time to leave your comment. SO glad that you are still here. God has an incredible purpose for your life- I promise you that. I will pray for you, that you can find hope and healing. It really does help to try to find people feeling even more lonely and misfit feeling than we do- and start to brighten their world- everyone benefits. this is what I have done the past 3 years after going through a time of serious depression.Please feel free to email-jonnafromny@cleaninter.net

    • Please donโ€™t harm yourself. You have no idea that losing you will be forever the worst thing that your Family will have to fight to get through. Get help. Donโ€™t do it. Tell someone. ๐Ÿ™

    • There is help for you. You are worthy of love and it is my prayer tonight that you find love, peace, and acceptance. You are a precious child of God!

    • This internet community wants you here. And most of those you see in your life daily, would tell you they want you living. The others, well, theyโ€™re struggling about something.

    • Though they may not have appreciated you, you are needed. The world needs you. Your purpose is to see that no one else feels the abandonment that you feel or felt. You’re here for a reason. I wish I could hug you so tight. Sending love straight to you.

    • Every life is a miracle ! and so many โ€˜parentsโ€™ fail to see that. Fuck them.
      You rock this life and live it every day as you own every second of it. Your parents were just the vehicle that got you here to this destination called life. What you do with life is utterly completely UP TO YOU.
      OWN IT ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘

    • Oh my, my heart goes out to everyone who has had suicidal thoughts (which included me many, many years ago!). Suicide I believe, is anything but selfish and the words written by Jeremy and Bailey are deeply moving. No one in their normal minds would ever consider suicide but sadly depression and mental illness are overwhelming and so far beyond our control. Praying for each and every person suffering through this terrible time at the moment. ๐Ÿค—๐Ÿ’•

    • awe thats horrible….hope you find someone thats kind and loves you nvm the negative people you mentioned wow.โค๏ธ๐Ÿ’œhugs

    • Please don’t feel this way. You are a person with feelings and you deserve to be loved. Just know that GOD LOVES YOU. He has created each and every one of us and HE has plans for you. PRAY AND TRUST IN HIM. It DOESN’T matter what others might say. If your parents feel the way they say then that’s their loss. Apparently they don’t know love really is. Love is the most precious thing there is. Reach inside yourself and discover your inner being. LOVE YOUSELF FOR WHO YOU ARE AND YOU WILL LEARN TO LOVE AND EMBRACE LIFE. YOU WILL FIND TRUE JOY. DON’T LET ANOTHER PERSON’S HATEFUL HANDICAPP CRIPPLE YOUR LIFE. SOME PEOPLE WILL TAKE YOUR SOUL IF YOU LET THEM. LOVE TO YOU AND GOD BLESS. โ™กโ™กโ™ก

    • Dear Anonymous, Your mom telling you she thought about aborting you. Does not mean she didn’t want you. It says too me that she loved you enough not to do that. Your daddy saying he wanted a boy doesn’t mean he loves you any less. I think they ( your parents ) need to realize that saying those things to you hurt you. I also think you are taking there comments as a personal attack on you. Talk to your parents let them know how you’re feeling. I bet you’ll find out they love you unconditionally.

  2. Please please remember if you are feeling this way there IS HELP AVAILABLE AT YOUR FINGERTIPS RIGHT NOW!

    Maybe you are ashamed or scared to talk about your thoughts with a family member or friend. That is entirely understandable. There is someone you can talk to right now and they won’t judge you or be mad at you or shame you. They will LISTEN to you. Please call them!!

    National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255

  3. This mental illness needs to be brought into the light. Teens and adults need to know they are not alone. There are people who will listen. There are people who will pull you out of the hole you feel yourself in. We are not better off but there needs to be a light, freedom from judging, a way to reach out. This illness is real and it is scary and it needs to be dealt with before it takes other lives!! Make this illness less taboo and more conversation!! I do understand and I do get it! I have been trying to be an advocate for this and trying to get more education. Mental illness is powerful!โ€™

  4. This mental illness needs to be brought into the light. Teens and adults need to know they are not alone. There are people who will listen. There are people who will pull you out of the hole you feel yourself in. We are not better off but there needs to be a light, freedom from judging, a way to reach out. This illness is real and it is scary and it needs to be dealt with before it takes other lives!! Make this illness less taboo and more conversation!! I do understand and I do get it! I have been trying to be an advocate for this and trying to get more education!!

  5. My brother took his life 2 years ago on May 6th. Some days I get so mad and consumed with the “how could you do this to us?” Thoughts and other days I understand. I too have thought fiercely about killing myself and it is a mental illness to have depression. I got help and told a doctor, have been taking medicine for a few months now and I feel a lot better. I needed to read this tonight. Thanks for sharing your story and inspiring others to hold on and know it’s okay to not be okay.

  6. Wow, that really hit right in the heart. Been there once or twice but thanks to good friends, I am still here to listen and help in any way I can.

  7. Thank you so much ,for sharing this My only child (44),took his life 4 months ago, leaving 2 beautiful kids ( age 14 and 4). This post has given me the most peace, I have had since his death ๐Ÿ’”we talked so much about how he felt, it was just as your post said. I was 15 feet away from him when it happened,I begged him to put the gun down ,๐Ÿ’”๐Ÿ’”๐Ÿ’” But he thought we’d all be better without him.. I don’t think he was selfish, I think he really believed we would all be better without him,I just pray he is at peace ๐Ÿ’”๐Ÿ’”๐Ÿ’”๐Ÿ’”๐Ÿ’”๐Ÿ’”

  8. When you have someone in your family who suffers from mental illness it is a constant gut wrenching disease to watch.You never know if today is the day they will end their life you want to believe them but know better.

  9. please know you are here for a reason, God doesn’t make mistakes, one day someone is gonna come into your life and then you’ll finally say…This is why God put me here, sometimes you’re here because someone needs YOU instead of you needing THEM!!! You are never here to be someone’s doormat, you’re never here to be mistreated, please have faith and know you are beautiful, worthy, kind, loving and this mean, sometimes cruel, but beautiful world needs you!!!

  10. Wow.
    I’m a member of a suicide survivor group. A memorial post for a woman’s son who completed last year led me to her Facebook page which led me to her sons. He was a child. The next to last post was this, posted by his mom. I read this, sitting outside on my porch alone. Tears started falling and as I looked up, there was this beautiful bunny rabbit. Just looking at me. I felt instantly that it was a gift from God letting me know that MY mom was okay. I lost her to Suicide in February of 1992. She was 38, I was 15. Reading this has shown me a whole new perspective. Thank you so so much. ๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’™

  11. Thank you! Two cousins, a friend – so difficult to understand their decision – or was it a decision? A decision requires options and I firmly believe if they could have seen an option for life, that would have been their decision. Healing is eternal, my loss of my dear ones I can now see as their gain – as I would with any illness causing intractable pain of any sort.

  12. Wow is the first thing I thought reading this. Thank you so much is second. I have lost 4 family members to suicide, 2 being my brothers. I live with what could I have done! I miss them terribly even though as adults we were separated by distance and circumstances. Thank you for sharing your journey as it has helped me to better understand..am so happy you are here.

  13. So sorry for your loss ๐Ÿ’”My only child ,took his life 4 month’s ago,I feel the same way you do. RIP Michael Momma Loves and misses you ๐Ÿ’”๐Ÿ’”๐Ÿ’”๐Ÿ’”๐Ÿ’”๐Ÿ’”
    /21/74 — 2/22/2019

  14. right now this exactly how I feel, and want to do. I feel my life so pointless ATM. Me at my best ain’t even good enough.

  15. My son took his life 7 yrs ago he had mental illness and he didn’t want to be a burden to me if only he knew that I needed him and if I only could have had one more day with him maybe I could have talked him out of it and or let him know how much I needed him and loved him. Reading this was like my son was talking to me and brought tears to my eyes. He didn’t do this to hurt me and it took me a long time to understand that.he was just trying to make the pain stop. To all that suffers from mental illness or depression seek help .your not a burden and we need you . Theresa dull. . …….

  16. This article REALLY REALLY needs a trigger warning ahead of the title. Speaking as someone with Bipolar and Mixed Episodes who has dealt with suicidal ideations – this article could send someone spiraling. Itโ€™s SO well written but really needs a trigger warning for those who arenโ€™t mentally prepped or stable enough to read something like this.

    • Jessica. You are absolutely, 100% correct. I had it at the bottom and honestly never thought about putting it at the top. Thank you for advocating. I have adjusted the post. God bless.

      • As a social worker and someone diagnosed with severe complex PTSD please know that talking about suicide will never CAUSE someone to commit suicide. Suicide is a choice we make and one that Iโ€™ve made and attempted numerous times throughout my life. Itโ€™s a choice we decide to make because of our pain not reading about someone elseโ€™s pain.
        This is beautifully written and precisely describes what is in many of our heads when we make the choice. By choice, for me, means I can end my suffering and burden that I cause or I can continue to suffer day and night until I no longer can take it. As someone who is medication and treatment resistant itโ€™s sometimes an active choice I make every minute.
        Thank you for adding your trigger warning, however, the title to this piece is extremely forthcoming, so if someone doesnโ€™t want to read about anotherโ€™s struggle with suicide they can skip it.
        I have lost family members, friends, and patients to suicide. I am a disabled veteran and this epidemic is taking us at an extremely alarming rate.
        Again thank you for your well written article.

  17. My bro committed suicide 2 wks and 3 days ago. Thank you for sharing this. Ive been suffering alot. This helps. God bless

  18. My father committed suicide one week ago and this has helped me so much in understanding. He was battling cancer and thought at the time it would be the best choice. I was so angry with him and just didnโ€™t understand why. This has helped with my anger.

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